11 Years

2016

11 years gone by
I miss you guy.
I wish I could tell you my troubles
Tell you my struggles
Since you left our lives
The pain, grief, loss burns inside

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Hooves And Feet

Dedicated to my Unni G. Last night I was suicidal and she wouldn’t stop texting and calling me until I answered and could prove I hadn’t followed through with my plans. She’s an advocate, a hero, and so much more. I love her so much. She’s saved me from myself a few times but last night was intense. We talked about the earth and universe. Being connected to it. She then challenged me to think of the weakest animal. I said “me” and she told me to open my mind a bit and really think about what she’s asking me. So I sarcastically said “the ants that are sucking up poison in my traps and bringing it back to their queen.” She laughed and told me to next think of the strongest animal I could think of. I’ve always loved buffaloes. They represent so much. I have one tatted on my forearm. So she told me to think about buffaloes for the night and she wanted me to write a poem about them and post it to her FB wall. So I did. Here it is.

Hooves on the ground
Calvary all around
Not a warrior to be found
Just as policy planned out.
No more sacrifice for the hungry and cold
Piles of skulls photographed as proof to be shown
the Indians and buffaloes
will die together from genocide on land not sold
but stolen by treaties broken leading D.C. to now control
the land privatized and now own.
Hand and hoof travel forever over land covered in blood and gold.
However the strength of both
came back around to show
their survivors and descendants will always find a way back
No matter the railroad tracks
that plague the way they can’t cover the sacred.
The hooves cannot be exterminated
by any single nation.
To this day the buffalo is proof that we too can make it.

Afterward: GG – I love you for the countless times you’ve been there for me and making me answer my phone last night. You always make sure I’m okay even if it’s been months since we spoke you shoot me random texts checking on me and post jokes on FB for me to see to laugh at. A few years ago I realized you actually have the same initials as my brother, Gabe Gonzales. I think he made sure you got into my life. Before he was the only one who could ever talk me off the ledge and would drop whatever he was doing to make sure I’m okay. Neither of you can ever be replaced. I’m just very lucky when it comes to double Gs in my life. 

Crooked 

2013

You’re worse than a crook to me
I see you and you won’t look at me
Something so special you took from me
You act like you’re shook of me
even though I was you’re victim
Didn’t understand then the system
Not the justice because there is no justice
It’s just us
and my word against yours
Devishly You know what occurred
but you’re a coward – that’s my word
I say as I try not to replay
that entire day
But the images melt me down to a headache
and some days it’s all over my face

Intellect

2013

They tell me I’m not positive
I dwell too much on the negative
Try as they might to give me medicine
I’m pointed out to be too negative
and it’s nothing personal or a challenge to my intelligence
It’s just how I’ve been
So leave me only in my own misery
I’ll never be happy despite the pills they’ve given me
Only so much can science solve
Only so much can I feel I belong
without thinking I’m better gone
but there I go on
Back to the negative
Swallow my medicine
Challenge my own intellect
I gotta get out of this negative
I need to get out of this negative

Old Rhymes

2015

I have nothing to say what’s on my mind
So I connect the lines
of my old rhymes
previously pushed aside.
From politics to Korean pride
From Oppa Gabe to nephew Gabe
So many things before I wanted to say
but the rhyme scheme went away
so the old rhymes once pushed away
Come back to life
While I keep what’s on my mind
deep inside
and just write
feelings from the past
until my finger develops a callous
from love to malice
now passed.

I Miss You

Why without you can’t I make the right decisions?
I feel like I’m in this vulnerable position 

because you I’m missin’ 

A part me feels missin’

I lost the strength in me. 

They say this isn’t how you’d want me to be 

But as you see

This pitiful being is now me. 

My own parents said I’m weak. 

I cry so hard I lose speech. 

You know I used to always be able to speak. 

You pretty much instilled that aspect in me. 

Now look at me: my own parents called me weak.   

This is a nightmare I can’t wake up from. 

This is the outcome 

when someone you extremely loved 

is suddenly taken from you.   

Nothing I could ever dream of

is not having you to tell me what to do. 

Not having someone to catch me when I fall

and didn’t mind at all

Someone hard for others to get ahold of

but not me, you answered my calls.  

We had such a tight bond. 

You accepted I was a little off and odd

but you swore to God

I was your little sister.  

I put my handle on the Bible and called you my big brother.  

I’ve become so insecure 

and don’t reach out to others. 

No longer even my father and mother. 

They made it clear 

they don’t want to hear 

How I’m feeling here. 

Some days there’s a thickness in the air

and now no one seems to care

That I can’t breathe here. 

You said you always got me. 

I believed you. 

I’m waiting for you in the lobby. 

I need you. 

I’m such a lost cause. 

Two friends gave up 

I’m sure you saw. 

It wouldn’t hurt that much 

if you were to help me not be so lost. 

I’m so tired of crying. 

Burning people out. 

I keep thinking about dying. 

I just want out. 

I only believe in the Afterlife

No such thing as Hell

I’m such a burden that it’d be more of a sacrifice 

than putting others through this Hell. 

I miss you. 

When I got like this 

It’s like you professionally knew what to do. 

You remind me I was your baby sis

and you’d see me through.  

Here I am thinking this. 

I want to be able to be reunited with you

but every time I start to 

someone intervenes 

I just wish the cops and doctors would let me be.  

Words

Gift with the words

I got a gift with words

So when does pinpointing the right word occur? 

I guess I’m not sure 

but until I do my gift with words will be insecure

Wrap my mind around every thought

But it’s absurd 

My mind gets obscured 

waiting for the right word to occur

It’s as if my brain burns 

waiting for that damn word… 

I got a gift with words. 

I got a gift with words.