Mr. Hagg

Dedicated to my Junior High teacher and mentor. He’s truly someone who should’ve received teacher of the year, or the decade, or ever. He had a gift for helping and teaching his students the joy of learning, (as well as the humor of having to be trapped at a desk while he got to walk around. He was seriously funny). He helped me through a lot, especially when I got sick. He was there for me, even after Junior High he stayed in touch with me and was there. Any student that ever had him I hope they could appreciate what all he did for them. At that age you tend not to always notice.

How do I thank someone who believed I was so talented.
that he went out of his way to show me that I’m gifted?
Who kept giving me challenges
to prove to me my gift really existed
and to keep writing because he knew it was my secret passion
He caught me writing then trying to hide it
Knowing my love for 2Pac, brought rap in.
“Krystal you know his songs? He had to to write it,
All your favorite rappers, yea, they write
and so do you.”
You can’t argue with someone right
But you can argue with yourself if you will or won’t continue to do you
There was no other teacher to advocate for me like he did
No other who was and is greater to nurture a gift
when he spots it in a kid
I was very fortunate to be one of those closest kids.
Mr. Hagg, there’s no metaphor or wordplay
I could ever attempt to use
to try to say thank you for all the days
you nurtured the gift I use
that to this very day helps get me through.”
All I have is thank you,

Thank you.

Bars In The Garage

Early mornings freestyles in the garage
you, me, old boy – I forgot his name – and Josh
It was always to DMX’s “Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Blood.”
I thought we were a team
but a few times you went after me.
It took me a bit to realize you were toughening me up.
It worked because every freestyle I dropped
I ripped my opponent apart.
Anything they said I could never be knocked
It was “Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom” I reached in their chest for their hearts.
I always thought myself a backpack conscious lyricist
but I never backed down from a challenge.
I took what I needed and wanted to be their terrorist
Was it from you toughening me up or calling out a passion and talent
for wordplay that I could either write it out
or have come quickly off the top of my head.
I hate what I’m about to say right now
because as much as I hate it you are dea-
but when I look back your bars were weak
I was thrown of because “Gabe dissing me?”
That was just… Oppa… them bars were weak
They may have toughened me up
but from shock, not those bars
but that made me spit hard…
Whether my opponent went last or first
feelings were gonna be hurt
that came from the shock that occurred for sure
but your bars… damn Oppa, they were not hard
but they were enough to teach me to stay on top of my game
when the challenges came
Even when I took L’s I stood the same
and never got knocked off my game.
The shock demonetized because of you
those freestyles in the garage
with you, me, old boy, and Josh
freestyling every morning to the same song
got me to flex and go stronger.
I suppose I should actually thank y’all.

Not Just A Refugee

She had to escape from Laos
where the communists burnt down her house
It wasn’t until her belly grew
that she found out
about the little boy in her womb
– Another mouth, when there’s not enough to consume now –

Born a day after his mother left Thailand
A 5lb baby boy carrying burdens of iron

He didn’t belong in the streets
with the other refugees
He was just a real geek
Meek, in need of meat
Caught between 2 languages he couldn’t speak:
English and Hmong
He spent his entire life looking to belong
So he put a bandana on
But it felt so wrong
So he picked up a pen to write a song:
“What does liberty mean?
I’m just a refugee
Getting by with nothing to eat
It’s hard to keep a dream
when all you hear are screams
coming from the streets
I’m just a refugee
I’m just a refugee
I’m just a refugee.”

He scribbled it over and over again
Releasing frustrations he didn’t know he had –
There was a spark in the pen
and the fire started to burn so bad and so fast
Still he held it tight in his hand
He’s tired of being called a gook
Tired of the identity crisis he goes through

With the pen he contemplated
There had to be a way to make it
as a poor Asian
Living in an Eurocentric Nation
So he looked to the pen for inspiration:
“I’m just a refugee
from the streets
wanting something to eat
for you see, my soul’s weak
and I drink the blood I bleed
to quench my thirst
to quench my thirst
my thirst.”

He slowly reversed his verse
Hesitant at first, he saw an end to his curse
So he kicked a final rap about his new search:
“I’m just a refugee
Looking for a college degree
To get my people outta the streets
and enough to eat
and I’ll drink the blood I bleed
if it means
I get a chance to succeed
and achieve
This so – taught – American Dream!”

DMX

They can say what they want about your lyrics
but when it comes down to it it was about the lives you touched
I was depressed being sick but those songs and prayers helped lift my spirit
You preached life could be tough but God is ALL LOVE
I did my best to pray every night
I read the Bible
I had posters of you on my wall, so it felt like you were looking from the corner of my eyes
and try as I might to pray and talk to God right
I’d forget or get too angry to speak to Him for while
I wouldn’t look at your posters
Any light I saw I turned off and just turned the TV on
If I felt guilty enough I’d pray but only as a poser
So it didn’t last long.
You left this world too early Earl
You’re a legend, hero, and icon
everything you gave the world
will forever, and I mean forever, live on
We always knew you were one of a kind rapper
that no one had seen before or could ever follow after

X BABY

That Time Needed

There are so many things I’ll never forget
All the lessons your taught me
Your little sister renegade you had to protect
and sometimes had to put in check
But one of the things left with me was whether you were going to bed or a party
if I wrote something new you’d stop everything you were doin’
just to listen and gave me that time I so badly needed
If it was a poem, story, or music
you gave me that time on one condition that I had to read it
The first couple of times I would just walk away
I just assumed you didn’t care
but you always came to my room the next day
and make me share
We would then play around and record on my piano
putting my writings to some sort of melody
Later I’d follow you upstairs and we’d watch every music channel.
You were the best brother and friend to me
I still wonder why you had to make me read everything out loud
but after awhile I just wanted to share and figured you had your reasons
It meant so much you put everything down
and gave me that time I so badly needed.

Hip Hop: Ride or Die

I used to wear a Ruff Ryders chain to clench onto as a reminder of DMX and Eve –
Hold on, Be Strong, There’s still things I can achieve
Hip Hop was the only soothing power for me
2Pac helped me keep clenching and using my pen on paper
Writing everything down and craft it later.
Just get it all out
Come back when my thoughts are clear enough for me to craft
and craft until my hand cramps
Prodigy pictures by my bed reminding me to keep fightin’
It was a daily promise I’d get better if I wasn’t so defiant
and stop looking at my doctor as villains that I had to despite them
—————-Hip Hop you’re the Love of my Life ——————-
Ordered every Rap-Hip Hop magazine I could subscribe to
Read the interviews
but then would cut the pictures out for the hallway outside my room
Everything LiL’ Zane to Taleb Kweli on the walls
It crowded up the walls so much they had to go on the ceiling
I found a place for them all
My hallway and bedroom were like their own building
Hundreds of CDs stacked in my room
Eminem, Mc Lyte, Twista, Sandman to the Roots
Everything I was suffering
Hip Hop was the only thing comforting
So many artists and albums I haven’t named
but the outcome was always the same:
—————— Hip Hop you saved my life —————-
—————— You’ve been my closest friend ————
—————— You’ve never left my side ————-
—————— Ride or die to the very end ————-

Hip Hop: Tellin’ My Whole Life

Written 2004. Dedicated to Hip Hop that did and does so much for me, especially to 2Pac, Prodigy of Mobb Deep, DMX, and Eve. Rest in peace to DMX, Prodigy, and 2Pac,


With his song killing me softly
Times were awfully
I was tryin’ to live on God’s speed
But my soul tired & I felt like He forgot me.

Look my life was spinnin’ with no rhythm
I thought my only disease was Hip Hop Syndrome
So I picked up a mic & started to rap with them.
But my immune system
Fell victim
To developin’ symptoms
Each beat givin’ me what I need to get up and on my feet
But I couldn’t fight the fact I was growin’ weak
Countless restless nights of no sleep
Layin’ on my bed in a dark room of solitude
I couldn’t comprehend getting’ thru tomorrow too
Close my eyes & escaped with a tune
That Eve would croon

But no amount of Eve or Xzibit
Could convince me life was still worth livin’
When they gave me a hopeless life to envision
I lost it all in a collision.

Tears & tears I cried
No matter how hard I tried
I couldn’t get the numbness to subside
All the pain in my flesh was alive
And at the very same time
A rapper spoke to me in rhymes.
With his song tellin’ my whole life
I learned how to fight sleepless cold nights
He lived this life
He lived my life
And with his song tellin’ my whole life
I decided to join his fight

With his song killing me softly
I grew attached to darkness
Hearin’ my life thru Prodigy of Mobb Deep
Grew old, hostile, & heartless

Darkness was all I needed to get by
And there was an abundant supply
Maybe that’s why
Dark Man X impacted my spiritual side
Once again I could cry
Address the skies
Try to thrive
Instead of livin’ just to die
Pray again at night
Connect to the Most High
And speak to Him right

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his song
The adversity still lingered
But time moves on
Paths crisscross
My cold heart grew a little soft
From the start we took off
But time progresses
And redundancy causes the heart to grow restless
He’s getting’ arrested – 16 — there’s enough stresses
If I’m gonna go where I feel I’m destined
I have to go or he has to grow
We both chose two contrasting roads.

Even though I created the ultimatum —
My heart was torn.
I still loved him but had to hate him –
I felt worn.

I can’t explain what’s going on inside of me –
Sandman in the headphones
As I cried silently
Taken to another zone.

And all I really needed was a dose of Eve
To get back all authority
Remembered where I wanna be
And my top priorities.

Macilot Dead N Gone
Ruff Ryders still strong
He’s still singing my life with his song.

It was a bad point in time.
Fightin’ a disease on my mind
Also confused on how I identify.
Red, yellow, white – that’s right!
That’s all I need to know my identity
But not according to my enemies
Who were apart of white supremacy
Racist kids tryin’ to control my destiny
And take the best of me.

Chink, Injun, Gook
Comfort woman buildin’ nukes
Teachers told me this was the truth
And there was nothin’ I could do
To prove my colored sides weren’t inferior
Sometimes I wasn’t very sure
If we weren’t and deep down it hurt
And the insecurities lurked

Their hate would have worked
If my CD player had stopped
And in my search I hadn’t heard 2Pac

Some say the blacker the berry
The sweeter the juice
‘Pac said the darker the flesh
The deeper the roots
So began my journey for the truth

Reading misery, history, victory, mystery, bigotry
Politics began to get into me
My fist raised
My voice brave
I’d say what I had to say
Startin’ with quotes from Tupac
Expanded thru out quotes from all Hip Hop
Then to the books I got

I started to have expansion of thoughts
And saw more bridges need to be sought
When I got my deliverance
From the place that created my resentment & bitterness
I started buildin’ the bridges thru Hip Hop

With his song still singin’ my whole life
Killing me softly
I still rise
Becoming what you all see.

Cherished Spirits

From 2007

I’ve been to the bottom of every bottle,
dancing around empty glasses left hollow
trying to find you through all this sorrow,
but only left with spare change
to get another bottle for tomorrow.

Gabriel – my brother from another mother,
I didn’t find you at the bottom of Southern Comfort,
but when I passed out, I saw you in a dream
in the Bad Lands while I performed the Sun Dance
but then you left when I woke up to the heartache of disbelief.
Every night I would lay me down to sleep,
after a good mixture of Jack and Cognac
you came back and we’d kick raps
out in the Bad Lands.

I thought it was a dream
that could only be achieved
with the remedy of Hennessy
but then you sent Sitting Bull to visit me
and boy, did he really lay the ultimatum down –
put the bottles down or let my people down.
I came to and knew he was sent by you,
since I would’ve told any other spirit
they were a fool.
The dreams continued
and it was then I knew
I was always in the presence of your spirit,
only seen in a dream, but always nearest –
and its become something so profound
but deeply cherished.

I’ve been to the bottom of every bottle
but refilled it with sweet grass,
breathing in prayers for tomorrow,
but keeping intact
memories of our sweet past,
I’ll see you tonight
after prayers,
Bad Lands, Black Hills, whichever is fine,
as long as you’re there.

Unfinished Poems & Music

From 2007

An Unfinished Poem

I’ve been trying to make this beat for a song
To let my brother’s legacy forever live on
But there’s no key high or low enough
That could express the love
Or how much thicker our blood was.

I put the keyboard up,
Pull out the dark rum,
And bang on the drums.
Every time I hear the snare
I shed a tear for all the times we shared.

I turn the lights off & play a sad ballad
Since you’ve been gone, I lost the balance,
The rhythm, and the talent
The spirit to rise to a challenge.

Gabe Is The Song That Will Never Have Music

Gabe is the song that will never have music…

Every key is stuck together
Unable to make sense of the chords to play
Shoving a bad note away, the song gets better,
A piano pushed out into rainy weather
Doe fa so ray mi
Fingers hit the keys but the melody forever leaves

No matter how many times it may be
Some songs just aren’t meant to be sung over a beat.