A Message

I can still remember the days I begged you to come home
All your friends living with us you swore were my brothers
but no matter how scare I was of you being home
you couldn’t be replaced by another.

But you wonder why I looked to others
to start to make me feel safe
I was sick and suffered
You didn’t care at least it seemed anyway.

You mocked me when I needed you most
Instead of being there
You’d get violent when it was us home alone
I don’t know what’d I’d done if it wasn’t for locks and sprinting down the stairs.

The police called no matter where we lived
I was plucked out of Conway
because of the bullshit you and your friends did.
You had no consequences while I was harassed nearly everyday
because we are mixed.
I don’t get why you don’t understand why I worship Gabe
He was the one who taught me how to deal with these racist kids
He was the one who kept me safe.

But like mom and dad you don’t believe me
The only who did was Gabe.
Your life was relatively selfish and needy
Gabe did all he could to keep me safe
from the racism and you.
He cared about how I felt and wrote
So it’s crazy you don’t remember the things you’d do
that I still can’t let go.

I can’t even mention what happened when you were six and I was three
When I told mom I didn’t expect her reaction
it was all about protecting you and not a thing about me.
It’s like she blamed me for what happened.
To this day I regret ever telling her
because as an adult she’s held it over my head.
I don’t think you’d ever feel such hurt
of wanting to repress it to the point you wanna be dead.

The cloud mom holds over me
well, it has company because of your best friend.
And if this came out to everyone about me at thirteen
I know you’d defend him to the very end.
Our family would be divided
It would call for me to recant or be forever alone
because I told mom hoping she’d be quiet.

Yea, I still remember sprinting down the stairs.
I was sick and you didn’t care.
We were home alone
and the violent brother ALWAYS showed.
Despite it all I begged you to come back
Even in death I know Gabe has my back
Now I need you to have my back
Any act of kindness from you mom holds onto that
Another cloud over my head
but she forgets how you’ve chased me over the edge
Egging me on until I felt the only way out was to wind up dead.

The first and only boy
Dad wishes I’d been you
Because you brought our parents so much joy
but now look at what you’ve turned into
Somehow it’s my fault you screwed up
and it’s somehow my fault dad feels you ruined his life
He wanted a son to brag about and all that “stuff”
It’s like he wishes you and I could switch lives
I could be a single mother of nine
And neither of our parents would be an eye.

It would be okay if I had your life
It wouldn’t be such a disappointment
But here I am looking back on our lives
Anything you did, mom kept from dad’s wrath and finger pointin’
I saw how you were protected
I saw my good grades and advancements
These were placements you were expected
Despite my good grades and gifts mom wrote it off as I had easier chances
It was about poor you
Mom did all she could to protect you
My whole life I learned it was all about protecting you.

The life you lived
affected me more than expected.
Everything you did
came to haunt me
Here’s my question:
What more do you want from me?
I’ll never get an answer but at least it’s out there –
this message

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Unraveled 

2014

My feelings for you lie between love, hate, and pity
and I no longer have it in me
to listen to you talk all pretty
the same night you drink and treat my mom shitty
To sleep with my phone on nine
ready to reach for one
because I no longer trust you with her life.
Everything you instilled in me has been undone.
Unraveled in your lust for liquor
in the anger you display.
I fear you but not the effects on your liver
because I’m at the point of
“Whatever makes you die quicker”
so that I don’t have to hear this anymore
you pounding on the door
stomping on the floor
Selfishly thinking others must endure
something you can’t control
and don’t even try to.
What do you do when your hero falls
and you don’t even care that mine’s was you
and you’ve fallen from the face of grace
The one man, who’s supposed to make me feel safe…
You’ve fallen from grace.

Act of Malice

2011

Did you ever think your son could commit such an act? 

With his own hands he could take another man’s life?

Wondering where he could have learned that?

Have you come to terms in your own lives? 

Because I haven’t in mine

For the past 6 years you raising a murderer has possessed my mind. 

And for 6 years I have wished your family agony

Even though I know tragedy plus tragedy just equates to greater tragedy

And I get nothing out of pain to your family. 

Nothing will bring Gabe back. 

I’ve cried enough the past 6 years agonizing over the simplest of life’s fact 

When you’re dead you’re gone – there’s no changing that. 

Every night pleading he’ll come back never works. 

The last 6 years I’ve lived in a constant state of hurt.

Having to wonder why your son, your offspring, could throw my brother’s body in the back of a trunk,

let his body lay in Neff Lake for over a month – 

Then you, you being the one to see his body float up

Decaying, thinking just another stupid injun drowned drunk 

But then your son goes on the run

and you claim not to suspect anything.

He’s innocent you think 

while I pour another drink

Hoping your son gets shanked

I pray even without the drink. 
Could you ever believe

He’d cause so much pain in others? 

Because I still can’t believe he took away my brother…

    

What It’s Worth

2010

For what it’s worth: let me try to explain the dysfunction of my brain

To simplify I’m anything but sane and everyday feels like rain

I don’t know where it began

but some days I want to bring it to an end because I feel like I’m alone trying to stand though deep down I know I have a few great friends. 

I know I can cause a smile or be contagious. 

I’m sorry if one day I decide I can’t make it but I feel forsaken & like my soul was forced naked. 

Too many times my trust has been violated & I was betrayed when 

life was such sadness I couldn’t seem to shake it – it was so complicated. 

One person was so infatuated. 

I don’t know how I could ignore the signs but once my grandma died the self imposed friend left my side & made me blind trying to figure out why

How could someone I didn’t want to trust have gained my trust? 

Blindsided me so bad I nearly gave up

Make me hold on while they let go

Say sorry when I didn’t mean so

But it became emotional abuse when she brought up Gabe

Then threw him in my face to get her way. Say I disappointed the 1 who never let me down until he passed away even though I know it wasn’t his fault he was taken away

but I never felt such a heartbreak 

Like everything inside me was now broken & I lost memory of anything he had spoken. 

Suddenly he’s a nightmare. 

Closed my eyes & would see his awaken corpse right there. 

Don’t want to sleep because I’m scared. 

Don’t want to eat because I’m too worked up but when I got drunk I went numb & forgot how fucked up I really was. 

Not even taking shots just downing the vodka. So out of it I didn’t realize the drama. Did shit that sober up I wouldn’t wanna but I gotta be numb if I’m gonna wake up.  

Drank so much I never knew what a hangover was & if I suspected it there more shots of vodka – not a fan of beer. 

Scar so deep on my sternum 

So much heartbreak I drank so more just to hurt him. 

When I closed my eyes there he was telling me he’d never leave my side. Yet to let me down even though he lived in the other side where no one has to drink to numb the tears in their eyes. 

But for what it’s worth I do apologize. 

Now I sit cold outside & realize I’d have probably died or been institutionalized had Richard, Jenn, or Eden not let me push them away when I felt everyone should go away. 

Hurt people hurt people, I think that’s what they say. 

But the texts, emails & vents I appreciate because what would I do had there not been someone pushing me through?

So for what it’s worth I know at times I let my hurt spread so others hurt & all because I didn’t want to be hurt first or even worse

Dying

2010

We each die a little more each day

Some of us can’t wait while others just got to take another’s away. 

Suffice to say, it’s what has caused me to fuck up

Take medicine to fix it

but gotta increase becuz Seroquel isn’t enough. 

Another therapist visit 

Lies that I don’t drink 

But I see my Unni sees through me

The disappointed face is enough to know what she thinks & she’s right about what she sees:

A problem with problems who accepts the problems & is too far gone in her head to solve them. 

Too far gone in spirit so I down the spirits until their bottle is like me – numb & hallow. 
Here’s more pills to swallow

Here’s another shot to down. 

It’ll be the same tomorrow

I’ll allow myself to drown

to relieve the pain. 
I got people to blame

Important people to push away

Before I spread the pain

Then pull back because I need them that day. 
Buy another bottle to numb my dying existence 

Pop more pills because the doctors said it’ll fix “it.”

Image of God

Age 21
You took away my religion

At gun point made me a Christian

then told me God was of your image 

and I must get on my knees and start worshippin’. 

To this day my religion is banned

– Freedom of Religion – 

Your forefathers swore that when they took my land. 

Maybe it’s something I don’t understand 

– or you don’t – 

to which I hope

because my religion is more than smudging and smoke 

but it’s outlawed like all we do is dope. 

I can’t sell the land I walk on

but I can if I’m drunk

even though I know it’s wrong…

and all I am anymore is drunk. 

I’m in need of a prayer circle to hold me up. 

Instead you give me a cup 

of your God’s blood, (and I’m the blood thirsty savage?)

I call all my relations

You respond with hatred

Swearing me off as a pagan 

You’re the image of God, I’m the image of Satan. 

You banned my religion 

At gun point made me a Christian 

then convinced me 

you’re the image of God 

I’m the reflection of Satan. 

Ben: Lost In An Epidemic 

Age 17. Written about a best friend I worried about. 
Another damn Mexican 

lost in the drug epidemic. 

Smoking reefer like he couldn’t get it. 

He could’ve been an engineer or medic. 

Scholarships for his high high school credits

but circumstances change the settin’

Now only God knows where he’s steppin’

Chilling in the basement with the white kids. 

Impressed by what his high did. 

Same kid used to lust for science 

Maybe it’s his dream dyin’

Maybe he’s too lazy to keep tryin’

It’s another damn Mexican 

Now divulging in the Crack Epidemic