For my nephew Gabriel Isaiah Mattison. Auntie loves you so much.
My soul is torn
I try to use metaphors
to describe the hurt I feel
Sometimes I have to stand still
because my chest gets tight.
I have to bottle the pain inside
Once I cry I go from morning to midnight
I can’t breathe.
You’re my favorite person to see
but you don’t recognize me.
Tears stay still
I can’t breathe
from all the pain I feel
I miss my nephew.
That little boy that had to be with auntie.
From the moment of your birth you had me.
I was wrapped around your little fingers.
This is why this pain so intensely lingers.
I can’t think of any metaphor
to describe the pain anymore.
It just hurts so much to not see you.
For you not to remember you’re my nephew.
Seriously if I could just hold and protect you
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do.
If I could take your pain away
I’d add it to my own
just so you could smile and feel safe
God the way things had to unfold
I’ll never understand.
Once upon a time you were my right had man
Really the only thing I had.
I can still feel your sticky little hand
wrapped in mine.
Passed has so much time
and she’s washed your mind.
She lost her mind.
Manipulative and using you as a little kid…
I just don’t get it.
I just don’t get it.
You deserved so much more…
I wish I could use a simple metaphor
but it’s all been used before.
There’s just no longer a metaphor.
I’m sorry I can’t say much more.
I miss you
and I’ll never get over the issues
that took my little man from my arms.
You’ll never understand you were my quasar.
I tried so hard
but in the end she did win
and the lies began
I don’t understand
how this happened little man
but in your soul I hope you know
that I love you
and wanted to watch you grow.
If we walked the street and passed
would you recognize your aunt?
I guess not.
There’s a hole in my life
because you were my whole life.
You were in the backseat your car seat
as we’d sing
everything from Linkin Park
to Nickleback’s “Rockstar,”
Their song “Too Bad” must’ve been a prophecy
maybe even our Daughtry’s “Weaker Side of Me.”
I miss my rockstar
My nephew best friend
Rewriting the lyrics of Linkin Park
It’s not fair and I never will get it
Wonder “What About Now”
You can never know
How much, Gabriel Isaiah, I wanted to watch you grow.
It’s “Too Bad”
how life “Crashed”
into us Gabe
So “I Lie Awake” with these memories
that bring out the “Weaker Side of Me.”
What irony in prophecy
But maybe you’ll remember when you were a boy
How we’d sing these songs and just enjoy
Never seeing the prophecy
Just songs to sing along
They were meant to be just songs we’d sing along.
You don’t remember when Auntie was depressed –
you were still too young yet
like when Auntie put you in a red dress –
but I took pictures so that you’ll never forget.
Don’t ever forget how much happiness you brought to Auntie’s life
I know right now you’re wondering who you can get close to.
It’s been tough times since Auntie took that long airplane ride
but not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
It’s funny the little boy who made me smile
when I wanted to cry
is the reason I cry
when I want to smile.
I can only guess how you feel inside
with all the drastic changes in such a short while
but Auntie’s with you in your thoughts and prayers
I burn the sage and sweet grass all the way over here
but the Spirits walk it over there
and before we blink they whisper, “Saranghayo” in your little ear.
Keep your head up Gabe
because I promise things will be okay.
If we hold onto hope & faith
I know we await better days
For Gabriel Isaiah Mattison
You entered this world with a brave face
Handsome and tubby
You became my saving grace
Knowing that you loved me.
I take your little hand
And walk you across ice.
Know that even when you become a man.
Your auntie will be there to help you across life.
No matter the distance
I will be there
Just hold your resistance
And say your prayers
I’ll say mine for you
You say yours for yourself
Because all I need to know is that I have nieces & nephews
And that the Lord provides necessary provisions for their health.
But as for you the delight in your eyes
The heart in your laugh
I can see the reflection of Christ
As you two make a path across the sands.
Without any reluctance
I’ll be there for you
And I’ll keep saying that until it’s redundant
Because that’s what Gomos do.