Unraveled 

2014

My feelings for you lie between love, hate, and pity
and I no longer have it in me
to listen to you talk all pretty
the same night you drink and treat my mom shitty
To sleep with my phone on nine
ready to reach for one
because I no longer trust you with her life.
Everything you instilled in me has been undone.
Unraveled in your lust for liquor
in the anger you display.
I fear you but not the effects on your liver
because I’m at the point of
“Whatever makes you die quicker”
so that I don’t have to hear this anymore
you pounding on the door
stomping on the floor
Selfishly thinking others must endure
something you can’t control
and don’t even try to.
What do you do when your hero falls
and you don’t even care that mine’s was you
and you’ve fallen from the face of grace
The one man, who’s supposed to make me feel safe…
You’ve fallen from grace.

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Coming From II

2011

My father’s land divided

A grandmother used in sexual slavery 

Beginning alocohlism & family violence

But a woman of great sacrifice & bravery

Who was made to be the sole provider

by the use of her body ordered by her family sent to Seoul 

with a broken soul 

to make money & send it back home. 

A father adopted at 12 

put through Hell 

until he could speak English good… Or well. 

The rest of his life misunderstood so throwing himself into work. 

Work 4 jobs drink away a lifetime of hurt 

so he doesn’t have to think of the pain caused by both his families. 

A Korean American tragedy. 

I come from a mother with no clue on her identity 

her dad becoming an enemy 

therefore is no friend to me though I long for some sort of grandfather-granddaughter memories. 

More stories of Napi & the Blackfeet 

but Native Grandpa don’t like Koreans even halfbreeds. 

I come from a mom tenacious at times audacious never took a vacation. 

I come from a childhood at the farmers markets. 

Only able to afford clarence K-mart never any jeans from Target. 

Eating ramen noodles on a daily

different flavors maybe. 

Embarrassed by how this look made me. 

Friends with nice clothes 

Fashionable 

Grandma’s wisdom inevitable 

“Child at least you got clothes. Food too is all you need to know”

I was Grandma’s girl. 

She was my world 

So what Grandma says GOES

but still the shame my shoes aren’t the same 

I don’t have an authentic jersey with anyone’s name. 

I think back – was I really that vain?

I guess in a way you can see it. 

As much as my dad didn’t seem it

He had to have the nice stereos and CDs. 

Impulsive purchases of TVs. 

Made fights between my mom and him easy. 

I stand back looking at the people I hail from. 

Sometimes wanting to say “ah hell no”

but despite the chronic fights 

we did have some fun

and everything was years ago. 

We’re doing all right

Despite all the generations and trauma we’ve come from. 

Back At Him

2011. Dedicated to my little sister Rose. 

I had a little sister growing up. 

Daughter of family friends but there was no difference in the sibling fights & love. 

Her dad stepped out of the picture so my once shy little sister got back at him by being an easy fuck

getting her ass tossed up

And I remain so hesitant to call her a slut

But it is what it is 

It plays with my head a little bit

Because back when we were little kids

She was so annoying & meek

Clenching tightly to her mom’s hand walking down Nicollet

Helping at the Farmers’ Market that week

I hit her up on her facebook page

Message her to think of pregnancy & Aids

Now she dates a man twice her age

But her mindset is lower than her own age

I tell her to please behave

I can’t handle seeing another sibling in the grave

But she gets pissed & won’t respond. 

Anybody else I’d just move on

and hand it off to God

and not look back at them

But I don’t want my little sister gone

because of her dad – her trying to get back at him. 
Look, I held in a lot of anger & rage

Attempted to drug up & drink away the pain

but it didn’t bring back Gabe

Just left me in a black cloud drowning in self-toxic loathing rain. 

Gave Andy my life when he already took my brother’s. 

It’s fucked up my mind & so many years I’ve suffered

It’s taken me too long to discover

Substance abuse doesn’t bring me any comfort 

but it’s not successful at getting back at him. 
Listen little sis, nothing gets back at them. 

As much as you wanna change what happened 

or make them see what they put you through 

you only put more through of you than they ever cared to.