No Metaphor

For my nephew Gabriel Isaiah Mattison. Auntie loves you so much.

My soul is torn
I try to use metaphors
to describe the hurt I feel
Sometimes I have to stand still
because my chest gets tight.
I have to bottle the pain inside
Once I cry I go from morning to midnight
I can’t breathe.
You’re my favorite person to see
but you don’t recognize me.
Tears stay still
I can’t breathe
from all the pain I feel
I miss my nephew.
That little boy that had to be with auntie.
From the moment of your birth you had me.
I was wrapped around your little fingers.
This is why this pain so intensely lingers.
I can’t think of any metaphor
to describe the pain anymore.
It just hurts so much to not see you.
For you not to remember you’re my nephew.
Seriously if I could just hold and protect you
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do.
If I could take your pain away
I’d add it to my own
just so you could smile and feel safe
God the way things had to unfold
I’ll never understand.
Once upon a time you were my right had man
Really the only thing I had.
I can still feel your sticky little hand
wrapped in mine.
Passed has so much time
and she’s washed your mind.
She lost her mind.
Manipulative and using you as a little kid…
I just don’t get it.
I just don’t get it.
You deserved so much more…
I wish I could use a simple metaphor
but it’s all been used before.
There’s just no longer a metaphor.
I’m sorry I can’t say much more.

Sister Renegades

Sister Renegades
Life has its ups and downs 

and I know right now

you see mostly down 

but you’ll someday look around 

with a smile that you made it through 

I see so much potential in you and I wonder how can’t you? 

But I know it’s so much easier to see the bad view than look at the world that has its arms around you. 

You don’t need love to make you special – look deep in yourself and realize your real potential 

Right now I see you reaching out for help and the only thing I can say is love yourself 

It’s not as simple as it sounds 

You gotta do the work and not be afraid to reach out. 
Everything happens for a reason 

and you can instantly be deterred from your path  

but the thought of your hurt past can be overwhelming enough to set yourself back 

but you can get back on that path. 

I’ll always do all I can to help you stand 

and continue to walk your path even if I have to drag you by the hand. 

I know I’m not the only one with unconditional love for you

Who’s willing to guide you through

whatever you need to. 

Many can help but no one can stand in your way unless you choose to let them do so

but eventually the pain we gotta let go 

Move forward and continue 
The blood of fighters and survivors run through your veins 

We can’t let their love for their descendants go in vain 

You’re the Seventh Generation that they prayed would survive to this day.

To think of the strength they held onto for you, their love you can never 

lose. 

The admiration of your own descendants seven generations from now is what we fight for 

It’s what you fight for! 
You got to fight for yourself

Quit fighting yourself. 

You’re the only one seeing everything as hopeless 

But keep your head up, mind focus and eyes wide open. 

The universe will fall into place

Until then we face what the Creator puts in our way but this I pray you smile and laugh everyday. 

It’s how we endure and last. 

This here, sister, too shall past. 

Coming From II

2011

My father’s land divided

A grandmother used in sexual slavery 

Beginning alocohlism & family violence

But a woman of great sacrifice & bravery

Who was made to be the sole provider

by the use of her body ordered by her family sent to Seoul 

with a broken soul 

to make money & send it back home. 

A father adopted at 12 

put through Hell 

until he could speak English good… Or well. 

The rest of his life misunderstood so throwing himself into work. 

Work 4 jobs drink away a lifetime of hurt 

so he doesn’t have to think of the pain caused by both his families. 

A Korean American tragedy. 

I come from a mother with no clue on her identity 

her dad becoming an enemy 

therefore is no friend to me though I long for some sort of grandfather-granddaughter memories. 

More stories of Napi & the Blackfeet 

but Native Grandpa don’t like Koreans even halfbreeds. 

I come from a mom tenacious at times audacious never took a vacation. 

I come from a childhood at the farmers markets. 

Only able to afford clarence K-mart never any jeans from Target. 

Eating ramen noodles on a daily

different flavors maybe. 

Embarrassed by how this look made me. 

Friends with nice clothes 

Fashionable 

Grandma’s wisdom inevitable 

“Child at least you got clothes. Food too is all you need to know”

I was Grandma’s girl. 

She was my world 

So what Grandma says GOES

but still the shame my shoes aren’t the same 

I don’t have an authentic jersey with anyone’s name. 

I think back – was I really that vain?

I guess in a way you can see it. 

As much as my dad didn’t seem it

He had to have the nice stereos and CDs. 

Impulsive purchases of TVs. 

Made fights between my mom and him easy. 

I stand back looking at the people I hail from. 

Sometimes wanting to say “ah hell no”

but despite the chronic fights 

we did have some fun

and everything was years ago. 

We’re doing all right

Despite all the generations and trauma we’ve come from. 

Back At Him

2011. Dedicated to my little sister Rose. 

I had a little sister growing up. 

Daughter of family friends but there was no difference in the sibling fights & love. 

Her dad stepped out of the picture so my once shy little sister got back at him by being an easy fuck

getting her ass tossed up

And I remain so hesitant to call her a slut

But it is what it is 

It plays with my head a little bit

Because back when we were little kids

She was so annoying & meek

Clenching tightly to her mom’s hand walking down Nicollet

Helping at the Farmers’ Market that week

I hit her up on her facebook page

Message her to think of pregnancy & Aids

Now she dates a man twice her age

But her mindset is lower than her own age

I tell her to please behave

I can’t handle seeing another sibling in the grave

But she gets pissed & won’t respond. 

Anybody else I’d just move on

and hand it off to God

and not look back at them

But I don’t want my little sister gone

because of her dad – her trying to get back at him. 
Look, I held in a lot of anger & rage

Attempted to drug up & drink away the pain

but it didn’t bring back Gabe

Just left me in a black cloud drowning in self-toxic loathing rain. 

Gave Andy my life when he already took my brother’s. 

It’s fucked up my mind & so many years I’ve suffered

It’s taken me too long to discover

Substance abuse doesn’t bring me any comfort 

but it’s not successful at getting back at him. 
Listen little sis, nothing gets back at them. 

As much as you wanna change what happened 

or make them see what they put you through 

you only put more through of you than they ever cared to. 

Ashley Mary and Alexis Ann

Written in 2003 when they were my only nieces (since then the family has grown to a total of nine plus children!)

The Greatest Gifts given to me by Jesus. 

The most beautiful and happiest of nieces. 

The amount of pride I see in you two…

and I put all my faith in it will continue   

The smiles on your faces…

the dimples and mischief erases 

all of my miss opportunities and cases. 

For you two there’s nothing I wouldn’t do

just to see you smile and giggle. 

You’ll be big someday but my memories will always be of you little. 

So forgive me on the years I meddle in your business. 

It’s only because I care. 

Put God as my witness 

you two will be the Greatest. 

Just stay kids

Don’t be so anxious. 

Play in dirt

Don’t get your heart hurt

And don’t worry if you’re loved or not…

You two are the only ones I got…

My two top notch and I know my pride and love for you two will never stop. 

My Quasar

I miss you
and I’ll never get over the issues
that took my little man from my arms.
You’ll never understand you were my quasar.
I tried so hard
but in the end she did win
and the lies began
I don’t understand
how this happened little man
but in your soul I hope you know
that I love you
and wanted to watch you grow.
If we walked the street and passed
would you recognize your aunt?
I guess not.

Prophetic Songs: For Gabriel Isaiah

Prophetic Songs
There’s a hole in my life
because you were my whole life.
You were in the backseat your car seat
as we’d sing
everything from Linkin Park
to Nickleback’s “Rockstar,”
Their song “Too Bad” must’ve been a prophecy
maybe even our Daughtry’s “Weaker Side of Me.”
I miss my rockstar
My nephew best friend
Rewriting the lyrics of Linkin Park
It’s not fair and I never will get it
Wonder “What About Now”
You can never know
How much, Gabriel Isaiah, I wanted to watch you grow.
It’s “Too Bad”
Too late
how life “Crashed”
into us Gabe
So “I Lie Awake” with these memories
that bring out the “Weaker Side of Me.”
What irony in prophecy
But maybe you’ll remember when you were a boy
How we’d sing these songs and just enjoy
Never seeing the prophecy
Just songs to sing along
They were meant to be just songs we’d sing along.