7 Siblings Together Again

For Lexi, Breydon, Gabe, Serenity, Zoey, Zane, and Zyla – Auntie loves you so much. I can’t explain how much you fill my heart with love and joy.

Tears rush down my face.
My pen continues to write
as tears drop onto the page.
I look up and see the apples of my eyes.
3 brothers brought together.
4 sisters reunited with their brother.
I wish I could hold onto this moment forever.
They patiently waited to be united with each other.
Brothers instantly form a bond.
Big sister make it clear she’s the boss
and I put my hand and thanks to God
the 7 siblings are no longer loss.
After so many years they’re together again.
My tears are from intense happiness.
So with this damped paper and pen
I can write down that this is what my happy is.

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Halloween 2000

Halloween 2000
You called me perfect
I never knew why but it made me fly
You, you I worshipped
The coolest guy I ever met in my life
Now I’m stranded on a war ship
Looking at myself across the way
I’m tired of feeling this way
but I look across the sea and see a smile on my face
Memories of Halloween
Decided you and Justin would chill with me.
Watch 106 and Park on B.E.T.
Seemed like Lil’ Bow Wow won every week.
You just randomly said “If you think about it he’s just a kid that raps…still a shitty piece of pop crap.”
I laughed so hard at that.
It was a laugh I hadn’t had
since I became sick
and couldn’t see my friends or go to school.
I wonder if you decided to stay and sit
because something you knew told you I needed you to.
It was the beginning of an unbreakable bond.
On the Bible and Jesus’ name I swore you were truly my big brother.
You swore it yourself “Word to God.”
While my biological brother put others
first
But for some reason I became a priority to you.
My family was so fucked up in priorities causing so much hurt
but you healed so much of it just letting me hangout with you.
It’s strange now not having that person to talk to
when my own family makes me feel so alone.
Like I know we’re still connected in spirits and souls
But it’s not the same as the physical
even though I keep getting told
it’s stronger now that you’re in the spiritual.
I don’t know
but what I do know
is from that memory of 2000 Halloween
we handed out candy and agreed
Lil’ Bow Wow was just a kid who could rap…
Still he was a pop piece of crap.
Halloween 2000 – I miss that day and my laugh.

I Miss You

Why without you can’t I make the right decisions?
I feel like I’m in this vulnerable position 

because you I’m missin’ 

A part me feels missin’

I lost the strength in me. 

They say this isn’t how you’d want me to be 

But as you see

This pitiful being is now me. 

My own parents said I’m weak. 

I cry so hard I lose speech. 

You know I used to always be able to speak. 

You pretty much instilled that aspect in me. 

Now look at me: my own parents called me weak.   

This is a nightmare I can’t wake up from. 

This is the outcome 

when someone you extremely loved 

is suddenly taken from you.   

Nothing I could ever dream of

is not having you to tell me what to do. 

Not having someone to catch me when I fall

and didn’t mind at all

Someone hard for others to get ahold of

but not me, you answered my calls.  

We had such a tight bond. 

You accepted I was a little off and odd

but you swore to God

I was your little sister.  

I put my handle on the Bible and called you my big brother.  

I’ve become so insecure 

and don’t reach out to others. 

No longer even my father and mother. 

They made it clear 

they don’t want to hear 

How I’m feeling here. 

Some days there’s a thickness in the air

and now no one seems to care

That I can’t breathe here. 

You said you always got me. 

I believed you. 

I’m waiting for you in the lobby. 

I need you. 

I’m such a lost cause. 

Two friends gave up 

I’m sure you saw. 

It wouldn’t hurt that much 

if you were to help me not be so lost. 

I’m so tired of crying. 

Burning people out. 

I keep thinking about dying. 

I just want out. 

I only believe in the Afterlife

No such thing as Hell

I’m such a burden that it’d be more of a sacrifice 

than putting others through this Hell. 

I miss you. 

When I got like this 

It’s like you professionally knew what to do. 

You remind me I was your baby sis

and you’d see me through.  

Here I am thinking this. 

I want to be able to be reunited with you

but every time I start to 

someone intervenes 

I just wish the cops and doctors would let me be.  

Just One Word

2012

I’d give anything to find that one word 

that once written would heal all hurt. 

I’ve been feeling like the pain that occurs

could be at ease if I end the search. 

Anything to describe the pain and anguish inside 

but it seems the more I try

the more that word slithers by. 

Maybe the English language isn’t sufficient enough? 

Maybe I need to give up 

surrender to the rut 

because I’m sensing I can’t get over this funk. 

It gets so bad I just want to feel numb 

but that’s not even an option. 

This obsession I know I need to stop it 

I’m trapped in depression and there’s just no talkin’. 

I’m mine own worst enemy 

but I just want to block all memories

even what you had meant to me

because it weighs on my chest so heavily. 

I’m gonna be the death of me. 
So I take a pencil or rapoem over an instrumental I’ve gone mental and I can’t let go. 

All the paper I wasted

Shit all the time I’ve wasted 

there’s nothing in the dictionary I should just face it. 

I can’t, something has got to make sense. 

I need to tie up loose ends, 

So I guess I’ll try again. 

Write again but I’m feigning for that Heineken 

what part about I need your guidance 

are we not getting? 

I can no longer avoid this  

I’m remembering as I stand on a cliff your jokes of the lemmings 

I just want different choices. 

Coming up with something shouldn’t be this hard

maybe I just can’t read these cards

I have such a broken heart 

that it’s torn me apart. 

It’s not the time to breakdown 

but I’m going to anyways 

You’re still not around 

I’m so lonely these days. 

I don’t wish death on anyone else

but it should’ve been anyone else 

even if it was me – I’m so deep in anguish it’s a living hell. 
I need a different language 

find something to fix this anguish 

it’s like the word is blocked from my brain blanketed by pain. 

Maybe I’m pass the point of insane 

To the point of functional wreck that maintains. 

Coming From II

2011

My father’s land divided

A grandmother used in sexual slavery 

Beginning alocohlism & family violence

But a woman of great sacrifice & bravery

Who was made to be the sole provider

by the use of her body ordered by her family sent to Seoul 

with a broken soul 

to make money & send it back home. 

A father adopted at 12 

put through Hell 

until he could speak English good… Or well. 

The rest of his life misunderstood so throwing himself into work. 

Work 4 jobs drink away a lifetime of hurt 

so he doesn’t have to think of the pain caused by both his families. 

A Korean American tragedy. 

I come from a mother with no clue on her identity 

her dad becoming an enemy 

therefore is no friend to me though I long for some sort of grandfather-granddaughter memories. 

More stories of Napi & the Blackfeet 

but Native Grandpa don’t like Koreans even halfbreeds. 

I come from a mom tenacious at times audacious never took a vacation. 

I come from a childhood at the farmers markets. 

Only able to afford clarence K-mart never any jeans from Target. 

Eating ramen noodles on a daily

different flavors maybe. 

Embarrassed by how this look made me. 

Friends with nice clothes 

Fashionable 

Grandma’s wisdom inevitable 

“Child at least you got clothes. Food too is all you need to know”

I was Grandma’s girl. 

She was my world 

So what Grandma says GOES

but still the shame my shoes aren’t the same 

I don’t have an authentic jersey with anyone’s name. 

I think back – was I really that vain?

I guess in a way you can see it. 

As much as my dad didn’t seem it

He had to have the nice stereos and CDs. 

Impulsive purchases of TVs. 

Made fights between my mom and him easy. 

I stand back looking at the people I hail from. 

Sometimes wanting to say “ah hell no”

but despite the chronic fights 

we did have some fun

and everything was years ago. 

We’re doing all right

Despite all the generations and trauma we’ve come from. 

Mastermind

2011 

Damn, remember how your words used to hurt but only because you wanted to be heard and dish out what they deserve? Yea, they used to say I was a mischievous mastermind until I couldn’t leave the past behind and had to find a new place even if it’s last in line. 

They used to say I was strong until I just couldn’t move on because my Angel’s gone but what’s fucked up is when it went unsolved I was resolved that this is how it is but then they found the bitch and the shit no longer made sense. 

How does a mastermind explain that? Explain how hurt comes back when I thought I was finally putting the heartbreak in the past? They find the son of a bitch and I’m right back to tears and anger – wishing and praying with all my might death onto a stranger. So did I ever get back in line? Was I ever truly that much of a mastermind? They used to swear I was but I can’t begin to describe how a mastermind could have such a broken mind. Not just a broken heart or broken soul but a damn broken mind. I’m just not that mastermind. Yea, I guess to all of us it came as a surprise.