13

Its been 13 years
but the salt of an ocean’s tears
still taste like when they first appeared –
That First Year…
I don’t get it.
When will this pain finish
or at least diminish?
They say the cliche
Forgive and forget but he’ll never get my forgiveness.

God forgive me but I want eye for an eye:
let him or his child go blind.
I want to see this monster I despise
cry like I’ve cried
before I meet my demise.

Don’t think I don’t hate my own hatred
but a life was taken
put in a trunk and stripped naked
all over a payment.
That body found a month later in a lake
tied down with weights.
Now there’s this hallucination I can’t shake.
My brother’s dead body in a trunk taken to a lake
tied down with weights…

I have said that I’ve forgiven the coward
but when I dwell on it I see him enjoying his power
as he jumped my brother with an object and took his life
then after putting him in the lake he was on the next flight.
In court call it self-defense and my brother a threat on his life,
even though my brother wasn’t easy to provoke and get into a fight.
The bastard lied
The papers lied
No, in fact the bastard was seen as the one victimized
as they printed my brother’s past crimes
no explanation as to why
he was even charged with those crimes
but never mind
my brother shouldn’t have been the one on trial.
How do they see the coward has no remorse and just smiles?
How does he show no remorse and just smiles?

Every year
feels like the first year
and I’m scared
because it has been 13 years.

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Unraveled 

2014

My feelings for you lie between love, hate, and pity
and I no longer have it in me
to listen to you talk all pretty
the same night you drink and treat my mom shitty
To sleep with my phone on nine
ready to reach for one
because I no longer trust you with her life.
Everything you instilled in me has been undone.
Unraveled in your lust for liquor
in the anger you display.
I fear you but not the effects on your liver
because I’m at the point of
“Whatever makes you die quicker”
so that I don’t have to hear this anymore
you pounding on the door
stomping on the floor
Selfishly thinking others must endure
something you can’t control
and don’t even try to.
What do you do when your hero falls
and you don’t even care that mine’s was you
and you’ve fallen from the face of grace
The one man, who’s supposed to make me feel safe…
You’ve fallen from grace.

Battles With Kiona

Yea, I’m mentally ill and that bitch Kiona knows how to make me build 

mountains that started out as hills

and to convince me she’s all I’ll ever feel. 

She positions me to see the only way out of this 

is the ultimate way to quit. 

I used to drink to make her silent 

but truth be told she could never keep quiet. 

She builds this wall

and shows me a bottle of alcohol

When I tell her it’s not gonna happen

She proposing a new action

sometimes she’s blunt, sometimes abstracted. 

My mind torn into fractions

She divides and conquers 

feeds my monsters 

and gives me this offer 

That if I stay secluded

She’ll tie all my loose ends

If I stay in bed the pain will loosen

but she still makes me think foolish.

If I don’t stay in bed 

then she wants me to walk on an edge

She says the only way she’ll get outta my head

is if I’m dead…

and I so badly want that bitch outta my head!