I can still remember the days I begged you to come home
All your friends living with us you swore were my brothers
but no matter how scare I was of you being home
you couldn’t be replaced by another.
But you wonder why I looked to others
to start to make me feel safe
I was sick and suffered
You didn’t care at least it seemed anyway.
You mocked me when I needed you most
Instead of being there
You’d get violent when it was us home alone
I don’t know what’d I’d done if it wasn’t for locks and sprinting down the stairs.
The police called no matter where we lived
I was plucked out of Conway
because of the bullshit you and your friends did.
You had no consequences while I was harassed nearly everyday
because we are mixed.
I don’t get why you don’t understand why I worship Gabe
He was the one who taught me how to deal with these racist kids
He was the one who kept me safe.
But like mom and dad you don’t believe me
The only who did was Gabe.
Your life was relatively selfish and needy
Gabe did all he could to keep me safe
from the racism and you.
He cared about how I felt and wrote
So it’s crazy you don’t remember the things you’d do
that I still can’t let go.
I can’t even mention what happened when you were six and I was three
When I told mom I didn’t expect her reaction
it was all about protecting you and not a thing about me.
It’s like she blamed me for what happened.
To this day I regret ever telling her
because as an adult she’s held it over my head.
I don’t think you’d ever feel such hurt
of wanting to repress it to the point you wanna be dead.
The cloud mom holds over me
well, it has company because of your best friend.
And if this came out to everyone about me at thirteen
I know you’d defend him to the very end.
Our family would be divided
It would call for me to recant or be forever alone
because I told mom hoping she’d be quiet.
Yea, I still remember sprinting down the stairs.
I was sick and you didn’t care.
We were home alone
and the violent brother ALWAYS showed.
Despite it all I begged you to come back
Even in death I know Gabe has my back
Now I need you to have my back
Any act of kindness from you mom holds onto that
Another cloud over my head
but she forgets how you’ve chased me over the edge
Egging me on until I felt the only way out was to wind up dead.
The first and only boy
Dad wishes I’d been you
Because you brought our parents so much joy
but now look at what you’ve turned into
Somehow it’s my fault you screwed up
and it’s somehow my fault dad feels you ruined his life
He wanted a son to brag about and all that “stuff”
It’s like he wishes you and I could switch lives
I could be a single mother of nine
And neither of our parents would be an eye.
It would be okay if I had your life
It wouldn’t be such a disappointment
But here I am looking back on our lives
Anything you did, mom kept from dad’s wrath and finger pointin’
I saw how you were protected
I saw my good grades and advancements
These were placements you were expected
Despite my good grades and gifts mom wrote it off as I had easier chances
It was about poor you
Mom did all she could to protect you
My whole life I learned it was all about protecting you.
The life you lived
affected me more than expected.
Everything you did
came to haunt me
Here’s my question:
What more do you want from me?
I’ll never get an answer but at least it’s out there –