For my nephew Gabriel Isaiah Mattison. Auntie loves you so much.
My soul is torn
I try to use metaphors
to describe the hurt I feel
Sometimes I have to stand still
because my chest gets tight.
I have to bottle the pain inside
Once I cry I go from morning to midnight
I can’t breathe.
You’re my favorite person to see
but you don’t recognize me.
Tears stay still
I can’t breathe
from all the pain I feel
I miss my nephew.
That little boy that had to be with auntie.
From the moment of your birth you had me.
I was wrapped around your little fingers.
This is why this pain so intensely lingers.
I can’t think of any metaphor
to describe the pain anymore.
It just hurts so much to not see you.
For you not to remember you’re my nephew.
Seriously if I could just hold and protect you
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do.
If I could take your pain away
I’d add it to my own
just so you could smile and feel safe
God the way things had to unfold
I’ll never understand.
Once upon a time you were my right had man
Really the only thing I had.
I can still feel your sticky little hand
wrapped in mine.
Passed has so much time
and she’s washed your mind.
She lost her mind.
Manipulative and using you as a little kid…
I just don’t get it.
I just don’t get it.
You deserved so much more…
I wish I could use a simple metaphor
but it’s all been used before.
There’s just no longer a metaphor.
I’m sorry I can’t say much more.
All these politics
I try my best not to follow it
but the addict behavior falls back on it.
My apologies for the rant that is
about to foam from my lips
but I’m tired of political bullshit.
Media more outrage a peon politician tweeted his dick
than the shutdown that’s gonna get
even more unemployed
so excuse me if I come off annoyed
but the passive democrats no longer voice my voice
and I’m hearing more Tea-Bagging noise
than I can hear my own thoughts
That I almost forgot
I too can get dressed, put on my shoes & socks
Get others pumped up enough
to get Bachmann out shouted or shut up’d.
But everyone seems lethargic
Maybe it’s from the chemical poisons
or laziness manifested & harden
that we accept unemployment.
So why the fvck am i paying taxes for
this type of environment crime thrives in
The unemployed with no benefits to get back on our feet are gonna riot when
we can’t provide our kids
the basic necessities of life
We gonna eat each other alive
to try to get
on top of the food chain
because we let government get ran by banks.
The pharmaceuticals are making billions off your pain.
They rather you die from cancer
than find a cure
So there goes your prayers unanswered
But put it on the Creator that the doctors can’t do anymore.
Your uterus is an inconvenience
to your boss.
Faster than a stolen phoenix
that child you always wanted costed you your job.
And you can’t even plan parenthood
because that fundamental Christian bitch across the street
thinks that she should.
No matter how many weeks that parasite you’re made to keep.
You want condoms or birth control to prevent having to choose an abortion?
That’s also in her decision
but once that fetus is here she don’t care he’s an orphan
The fact is making you keep that fetus made her feel a better Christian.
But the other fact is
Because that orphan she doesn’t want to feed.
Why? Because she hates paying taxes.
If only Jesus was still here in the physical
these people wouldn’t listen to Him because His talk of welfare isn’t Biblical enough for these individuals.
Money is the real religion
Christianity, Islam, Judaism isn’t.
Which brings it back to that money in your bank
isn’t your money like you think.
You’re part of the economical food chain
and your reality doesn’t sync
with the fantasies you believe and been ingrained to believe.
Democrat, Republican, Independent
all are titles that wreak
this world is under authoritarian.
Call it the New World Order
or the illuminati
They’re poisoning your waters
and destroying your body.
Ask them if they care…
They’ll just distract you with celebrities or that religion bullshit
Just clear the air
because they won’t do it.
All these politics
it’s enraging to follow shit.
And all you can do is be like ostriches
bury your head in the sand
because where do you begin to stand
and put reality back in your hands?
You called me perfect
I never knew why but it made me fly
You, you I worshipped
The coolest guy I ever met in my life
Now I’m stranded on a war ship
Looking at myself across the way
I’m tired of feeling this way
but I look across the sea and see a smile on my face
Memories of Halloween
Decided you and Justin would chill with me.
Watch 106 and Park on B.E.T.
Seemed like Lil’ Bow Wow won every week.
You just randomly said “If you think about it he’s just a kid that raps…still a shitty piece of pop crap.”
I laughed so hard at that.
It was a laugh I hadn’t had
since I became sick
and couldn’t see my friends or go to school.
I wonder if you decided to stay and sit
because something you knew told you I needed you to.
It was the beginning of an unbreakable bond.
On the Bible and Jesus’ name I swore you were truly my big brother.
You swore it yourself “Word to God.”
While my biological brother put others
But for some reason I became a priority to you.
My family was so fucked up in priorities causing so much hurt
but you healed so much of it just letting me hangout with you.
It’s strange now not having that person to talk to
when my own family makes me feel so alone.
Like I know we’re still connected in spirits and souls
But it’s not the same as the physical
even though I keep getting told
it’s stronger now that you’re in the spiritual.
I don’t know
but what I do know
is from that memory of 2000 Halloween
we handed out candy and agreed
Lil’ Bow Wow was just a kid who could rap…
Still he was a pop piece of crap.
Halloween 2000 – I miss that day and my laugh.
My feelings for you lie between love, hate, and pity
and I no longer have it in me
to listen to you talk all pretty
the same night you drink and treat my mom shitty
To sleep with my phone on nine
ready to reach for one
because I no longer trust you with her life.
Everything you instilled in me has been undone.
Unraveled in your lust for liquor
in the anger you display.
I fear you but not the effects on your liver
because I’m at the point of
“Whatever makes you die quicker”
so that I don’t have to hear this anymore
you pounding on the door
stomping on the floor
Selfishly thinking others must endure
something you can’t control
and don’t even try to.
What do you do when your hero falls
and you don’t even care that mine’s was you
and you’ve fallen from the face of grace
The one man, who’s supposed to make me feel safe…
You’ve fallen from grace.
11 years gone by
I miss you guy.
I wish I could tell you my troubles
Tell you my struggles
Since you left our lives
The pain, grief, loss burns inside
Dedicated to my Unni G. Last night I was suicidal and she wouldn’t stop texting and calling me until I answered and could prove I hadn’t followed through with my plans. She’s an advocate, a hero, and so much more. I love her so much. She’s saved me from myself a few times but last night was intense. We talked about the earth and universe. Being connected to it. She then challenged me to think of the weakest animal. I said “me” and she told me to open my mind a bit and really think about what she’s asking me. So I sarcastically said “the ants that are sucking up poison in my traps and bringing it back to their queen.” She laughed and told me to next think of the strongest animal I could think of. I’ve always loved buffaloes. They represent so much. I have one tatted on my forearm. So she told me to think about buffaloes for the night and she wanted me to write a poem about them and post it to her FB wall. So I did. Here it is.
Hooves on the ground
Calvary all around
Not a warrior to be found
Just as policy planned out.
No more sacrifice for the hungry and cold
Piles of skulls photographed as proof to be shown
the Indians and buffaloes
will die together from genocide on land not sold
but stolen by treaties broken leading D.C. to now control
the land privatized and now own.
Hand and hoof travel forever over land covered in blood and gold.
However the strength of both
came back around to show
their survivors and descendants will always find a way back
No matter the railroad tracks
that plague the way they can’t cover the sacred.
The hooves cannot be exterminated
by any single nation.
To this day the buffalo is proof that we too can make it.
Afterward: GG – I love you for the countless times you’ve been there for me and making me answer my phone last night. You always make sure I’m okay even if it’s been months since we spoke you shoot me random texts checking on me and post jokes on FB for me to see to laugh at. A few years ago I realized you actually have the same initials as my brother, Gabe Gonzales. I think he made sure you got into my life. Before he was the only one who could ever talk me off the ledge and would drop whatever he was doing to make sure I’m okay. Neither of you can ever be replaced. I’m just very lucky when it comes to double Gs in my life.
They tell me I’m not positive
I dwell too much on the negative
Try as they might to give me medicine
I’m pointed out to be too negative
and it’s nothing personal or a challenge to my intelligence
It’s just how I’ve been
So leave me only in my own misery
I’ll never be happy despite the pills they’ve given me
Only so much can science solve
Only so much can I feel I belong
without thinking I’m better gone
but there I go on
Back to the negative
Swallow my medicine
Challenge my own intellect
I gotta get out of this negative
I need to get out of this negative