13

Its been 13 years
but the salt of an ocean’s tears
still taste like when they first appeared –
That First Year…
I don’t get it.
When will this pain finish
or at least diminish?
They say the cliche
Forgive and forget but he’ll never get my forgiveness.

God forgive me but I want eye for an eye:
let him or his child go blind.
I want to see this monster I despise
cry like I’ve cried
before I meet my demise.

Don’t think I don’t hate my own hatred
but a life was taken
put in a trunk and stripped naked
all over a payment.
That body found a month later in a lake
tied down with weights.
Now there’s this hallucination I can’t shake.
My brother’s dead body in a trunk taken to a lake
tied down with weights…

I have said that I’ve forgiven the coward
but when I dwell on it I see him enjoying his power
as he jumped my brother with an object and took his life
then after putting him in the lake he was on the next flight.
In court call it self-defense and my brother a threat on his life,
even though my brother wasn’t easy to provoke and get into a fight.
The bastard lied
The papers lied
No, in fact the bastard was seen as the one victimized
as they printed my brother’s past crimes
no explanation as to why
he was even charged with those crimes
but never mind
my brother shouldn’t have been the one on trial.
How do they see the coward has no remorse and just smiles?
How does he show no remorse and just smiles?

Every year
feels like the first year
and I’m scared
because it has been 13 years.

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Dear Darling Darleine

I’ve been overwhelmed feeling a deep sharp pain in my heart.
I’ve been choking the tears of an extremist’s sadness
Words can’t describe the dark spark
when they told me you were gone.
I was in Korea and couldn’t find a way back to hold your hand.
I couldn’t even cry because I didn’t understand how you moved on…
Sometimes I still can’t.

Dear Darling Darleine,
The 2nd to the last thing you said to me still gives me chills.
“Well, I’d like to see you again.”
It does still seems unreal –
I wasn’t by your side when it came to the end.

Dear Darling Darleine,
I remember our talks on spirituality
We could talk so freely
but my ugly reality
is I’ll never hear you again call me your “Sweetie.”
I’d never get a letter or email signed “Sweetie.

Dear Darling Darleine,
You  weren’t scared of your own death
only about if your animals would make it to the next life with you.
But you had so many thoughts that we talked up and down, right and left
of what’s next, essentially of what’s next.
You weren’t scared to go
You knew you’d make it to the Other Side
You left me though
leaving me without a way to hold your precious hand and say Goodbye

Dear Darling Darleine,
I want to be free from this pain –
I know it’s nothing you’d ever want for me.
But the sharp beats of my heart, I can’t explain
and I’m sorry
if how I feel affects you in the After Life.
But I’m used to you visiting me in my dreams if I ever had any doubts
but it has been several nights
and I’ve been without
the exchange of wits, hugs, and reassurance .
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do or had done for you
so I guess I have to find the courage
to keep moving through

But Darling Darleine,
please know that whatever they may say
You were the greatest Grandma
and I’ll carry that truth to my own grave.

Darling Grandma,
I miss you ever single day
And my love and devotion to you can never be taken away.

Dear Darling Darleine. Dear Darling Darleine.
Dear Grandma. I will not let lose any memories, my darling Grandma.

Ostriches 

2011

All these politics
I try my best not to follow it
but the addict behavior falls back on it.
My apologies for the rant that is
about to foam from my lips
but I’m tired of political bullshit.
Media more outrage a peon politician tweeted his dick
than the shutdown that’s gonna get
even more unemployed
so excuse me if I come off annoyed
but the passive democrats no longer voice my voice
and I’m hearing more Tea-Bagging noise
than I can hear my own thoughts
That I almost forgot
I too can get dressed, put on my shoes & socks
Get others pumped up enough
to get Bachmann out shouted or shut up’d.
But everyone seems lethargic
Maybe it’s from the chemical poisons
or laziness manifested & harden
that we accept unemployment.
So why the fvck am i paying taxes for
this type of environment crime thrives in
The unemployed with no benefits to get back on our feet are gonna riot when
we can’t provide our kids
the basic necessities of life
We gonna eat each other alive
to try to get
on top of the food chain
because we let government get ran by banks.
The pharmaceuticals are making billions off your pain.
They rather you die from cancer
than find a cure
So there goes your prayers unanswered
But put it on the Creator that the doctors can’t do anymore.
Your uterus is an inconvenience
to your boss.
Faster than a stolen phoenix
that child you always wanted costed you your job.
And you can’t even plan parenthood
because that fundamental Christian bitch across the street
thinks that she should.
No matter how many weeks that parasite you’re made to keep.
You want condoms or birth control to prevent having to choose an abortion?
That’s also in her decision
but once that fetus is here she don’t care he’s an orphan
The fact is making you keep that fetus made her feel a better Christian.
But the other fact is
she isn’t.
Because that orphan she doesn’t want to feed.
Why? Because she hates paying taxes.
If only Jesus was still here in the physical
these people wouldn’t listen to Him because His talk of welfare isn’t Biblical enough for these individuals.
Money is the real religion
Christianity, Islam, Judaism isn’t.
Which brings it back to that money in your bank
isn’t your money like you think.
You’re part of the economical food chain
and your reality doesn’t sync
with the fantasies you believe and been ingrained to believe.
Democrat, Republican, Independent
Libertarian
all are titles that wreak
this world is under authoritarian.
Call it the New World Order
or the illuminati
They’re poisoning your waters
and destroying your body.
Ask them if they care…
They’ll just distract you with celebrities or that religion bullshit
Just clear the air
because they won’t do it.
All these politics
it’s enraging to follow shit.
And all you can do is be like ostriches
bury your head in the sand
because where do you begin to stand
and put reality back in your hands?

I Miss You

Why without you can’t I make the right decisions?
I feel like I’m in this vulnerable position
because you I’m missin’
A part me feels missin’
I lost the strength in me.
They say this isn’t how you’d want me to be
But as you see
This pitiful being is now me.
My own parents said I’m weak.
I cry so hard I lose speech.
You know I used to always be able to speak.
You pretty much instilled that aspect in me.

Now look at me: my own parents called me weak.
This is a nightmare I can’t wake up from.
This is the outcome
when someone you extremely loved
is suddenly taken from you.
Nothing I could ever dream of
is not having you to tell me what to do.
Not having someone to catch me when I fall
and didn’t mind at all
Someone hard for others to get a hold of
but not me, you answered my calls.
We had such a tight bond.
You accepted I was a little off and odd
but you swore to God
I was your little sister.
I put my handle on the Bible and called you my big brother.
I’ve become so insecure
and don’t reach out to others.
No longer even my father and mother.
They made it clear
they don’t want to hear
How I’m feeling here.
Some days there’s a thickness in the air
and now no one seems to care
That I can’t breathe here.

You said you always got me.
I believed you.
I’m waiting for you in the lobby.
I need you.
I’m such a lost cause.
Two friends gave up
I’m sure you saw.
It wouldn’t hurt that much
if you were to help me not be so lost.

I’m so tired of crying.
Burning people out.
I keep thinking about dying.
I just want out.
I only believe in the Afterlife
No such thing as Hell
I’m such a burden that it’d be more of a sacrifice
than putting others through this Hell.

I miss you.
When I got like this
It’s like you professionally knew what to do.
You remind me I was your baby sis
and you’d see me through.
Here I am thinking this.
I want to be able to be reunited with you
but every time I start to
someone intervenes

I just wish the cops and doctors would let me be.

Problems of a Militant 

Militant minded


Blinded by blood diamonds 

Hollering at the silent 

I can’t stand being quiet

and seeing the world 

just twirl

in blood knowing we’re all behind it. 

Kids fleeing to be reunited

with their mothers trafficked by the Chinese 

So for them to flee to be free

finding the mothers for so long they hadn’t seen 

was futile

and bounty hunters pray on a starving child. 

And this hasn’t just been a short while 

But long and worsening. 

How can money be the first thing 

on the mind instead of human lives? 

It makes me sick inside. 

Countries war torn 

Held captured either by capitalist or ISIS 

Fuck who started it but who profits from behind it!

They got you terrified 

that every Muslim or Arab you walk by 

is a terrorist with some plot in mind

to take your life. 

The reality is it’s so flipped. 

They’re targeted by the paranoid and bigots. 

Refugees burning off their finger tips 

on electrical barbed wires

trying to escape the bombings and fire. 

Only to be in a refugee camp set on fire 

by those who make it difficult

to see they are not the individuals

behind the terror 

They’re the ones surviving the terror. 

Rather it be Syria or France. 

 It’s like no matter the matter they have no chance 

to feel relief and freedom at last. 

Children drowning on the shores of Greece. 

You read and hear these stories then go to bed in peace. 

How does it come down to this? 

The tragic this truly is

I know, like you, how it did come to this. 

The Oklahoma Bombing first described 

the spotting of two Arab guys 

seen nearby. 

How wrong the news outlets were! 

I mean, did it truly ever occur

that the Arab men they identified first 

were on their way to a coffee shop? 

Finding out it was a white man, oh what a shock! 

People of Color fear the police because most likely to be shot. 

People with mental illness fear the police because they’re just as likely to be shot. 

But please, ignore me for being so militant minded. 

For not being quite so blinded

to the fucked up world we people reside in

and practice their right to not give a fuck and to remain silent. 

Park In (Epilespy)

2012

My hands jerk…

My legs jerk… 

My tongue jerks… 

This shit makes me want to join in and be a jerk

Which one of the poisons went to work

Bravo life you were out to make me miserable 

but you know my fucking principle – 

laugh or cry bitch, I’m only in the physical 

You’ll never best me in the spiritual 

Every headache you create I’ll deep down shake. Tears I might make 

will be replaced because I’ll meet that who Creates

Save me from all this pain 

Frontal lob issues. I’m borderline insane. Happiness I could never miss you 

You were too out of my life than in

but fuck it worst can happen in the end 

Pity party for none 

I just look up at the moon and sun 

thinking my life can’t quite be done 

if it only now has begun

This pesky interference is inexperienced 

I try so hard not to take life so serious 

but there are moments when the tears come because I’m hilarious 

laughing off the pain and shame 

It just can’t be that serious 

Yes tears run from eyes 

but in the event of my demise 

Know my spirit lives on in the happiness of every single tear I’ve cried 

and there’s no goodbyes

Not when I die 

Only say goodbye when I’ve been defeated by diseases 

It’s from there I don’t know if life can ever be completed 

I’d live my life in my own eyes miserable and defeated. 

I can’t imagine… how would I even manage… I’ve been through feeling abandoned and vanished I don’t want to go back… Close my eyes I can imagine.  

But until the day my body turns against me 

I’ll scribble my name quickly 

Come back do a 360 

Pump my fist asking who’s going with me? 

Park in when I’m at the darkest all in I’m fallin’ down trodden and crawlin I always had to do shit the hardest so now park in with the she who brings you words as gifts. 
That’s it.