They tell me I’m not positive
I dwell too much on the negative
Try as they might to give me medicine
I’m pointed out to be too negative
and it’s nothing personal or a challenge to my intelligence
It’s just how I’ve been
So leave me only in my own misery
I’ll never be happy despite the pills they’ve given me
Only so much can science solve
Only so much can I feel I belong
without thinking I’m better gone
but there I go on
Back to the negative
Swallow my medicine
Challenge my own intellect
I gotta get out of this negative
I need to get out of this negative
Why without you can’t I make the right decisions?
I feel like I’m in this vulnerable position
because you I’m missin’
A part me feels missin’
I lost the strength in me.
They say this isn’t how you’d want me to be
But as you see
This pitiful being is now me.
My own parents said I’m weak.
I cry so hard I lose speech.
You know I used to always be able to speak.
You pretty much instilled that aspect in me.
Now look at me: my own parents called me weak.
This is a nightmare I can’t wake up from.
This is the outcome
when someone you extremely loved
is suddenly taken from you.
Nothing I could ever dream of
is not having you to tell me what to do.
Not having someone to catch me when I fall
and didn’t mind at all
Someone hard for others to get a hold of
but not me, you answered my calls.
We had such a tight bond.
You accepted I was a little off and odd
but you swore to God
I was your little sister.
I put my handle on the Bible and called you my big brother.
I’ve become so insecure
and don’t reach out to others.
No longer even my father and mother.
They made it clear
they don’t want to hear
How I’m feeling here.
Some days there’s a thickness in the air
and now no one seems to care
That I can’t breathe here.
You said you always got me.
I believed you.
I’m waiting for you in the lobby.
I need you.
I’m such a lost cause.
Two friends gave up
I’m sure you saw.
It wouldn’t hurt that much
if you were to help me not be so lost.
I’m so tired of crying.
Burning people out.
I keep thinking about dying.
I just want out.
I only believe in the Afterlife
No such thing as Hell
I’m such a burden that it’d be more of a sacrifice
than putting others through this Hell.
I miss you.
When I got like this
It’s like you professionally knew what to do.
You remind me I was your baby sis
and you’d see me through.
Here I am thinking this.
I want to be able to be reunited with you
but every time I start to
I just wish the cops and doctors would let me be.
even though when put in it, I win elections.
But admiration fallen with a touch of being humiliated and disrespected
I used to be my own protection…
I can’t help but feel I built myself up to never feel loved enough
To never feel good enough
To never feel loved enough to trust
But feel enough to know I’m just fucked up
I try to readjust
but I stand out
Outstanding but it’s more I’m out standing
I’ve given up on my voice being so hoarse I can’t shout
but I’m out standing on the landing
Eyeing the landscape
Fantasize a land I can escape
Yea, I’m mentally ill and that bitch Kiona knows how to make me build
mountains that started out as hills
and to convince me she’s all I’ll ever feel.
She positions me to see the only way out of this
is the ultimate way to quit.
I used to drink to make her silent
but truth be told she could never keep quiet.
She builds this wall
and shows me a bottle of alcohol
When I tell her it’s not gonna happen
She proposing a new action
sometimes she’s blunt, sometimes abstracted.
My mind torn into fractions
She divides and conquers
feeds my monsters
and gives me this offer
That if I stay secluded
She’ll tie all my loose ends
If I stay in bed the pain will loosen
but she still makes me think foolish.
If I don’t stay in bed
then she wants me to walk on an edge
She says the only way she’ll get outta my head
is if I’m dead…
and I so badly want that bitch outta my head!