Intellect

2013

They tell me I’m not positive
I dwell too much on the negative
Try as they might to give me medicine
I’m pointed out to be too negative
and it’s nothing personal or a challenge to my intelligence
It’s just how I’ve been
So leave me only in my own misery
I’ll never be happy despite the pills they’ve given me
Only so much can science solve
Only so much can I feel I belong
without thinking I’m better gone
but there I go on
Back to the negative
Swallow my medicine
Challenge my own intellect
I gotta get out of this negative
I need to get out of this negative

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I Miss You

Why without you can’t I make the right decisions?
I feel like I’m in this vulnerable position
because you I’m missin’
A part me feels missin’
I lost the strength in me.
They say this isn’t how you’d want me to be
But as you see
This pitiful being is now me.
My own parents said I’m weak.
I cry so hard I lose speech.
You know I used to always be able to speak.
You pretty much instilled that aspect in me.

Now look at me: my own parents called me weak.
This is a nightmare I can’t wake up from.
This is the outcome
when someone you extremely loved
is suddenly taken from you.
Nothing I could ever dream of
is not having you to tell me what to do.
Not having someone to catch me when I fall
and didn’t mind at all
Someone hard for others to get a hold of
but not me, you answered my calls.
We had such a tight bond.
You accepted I was a little off and odd
but you swore to God
I was your little sister.
I put my handle on the Bible and called you my big brother.
I’ve become so insecure
and don’t reach out to others.
No longer even my father and mother.
They made it clear
they don’t want to hear
How I’m feeling here.
Some days there’s a thickness in the air
and now no one seems to care
That I can’t breathe here.

You said you always got me.
I believed you.
I’m waiting for you in the lobby.
I need you.
I’m such a lost cause.
Two friends gave up
I’m sure you saw.
It wouldn’t hurt that much
if you were to help me not be so lost.

I’m so tired of crying.
Burning people out.
I keep thinking about dying.
I just want out.
I only believe in the Afterlife
No such thing as Hell
I’m such a burden that it’d be more of a sacrifice
than putting others through this Hell.

I miss you.
When I got like this
It’s like you professionally knew what to do.
You remind me I was your baby sis
and you’d see me through.
Here I am thinking this.
I want to be able to be reunited with you
but every time I start to
someone intervenes

I just wish the cops and doctors would let me be.

People Are Disappointments

2012

Constantly rejected 

even though when put in it, I win elections. 

But admiration fallen with a touch of being humiliated and disrespected 

I used to be my own protection… 

I can’t help but feel I built myself up to never feel loved enough 

To never feel good enough 

To never feel loved enough to trust 

But feel enough to know I’m just fucked up

I try to readjust 

but I stand out 

Outstanding but it’s more I’m out standing

I’ve given up on my voice being so hoarse I can’t shout 

but I’m out standing on the landing

Eyeing the landscape 

Fantasize a land I can escape

Battles With Kiona

Yea, I’m mentally ill and that bitch Kiona knows how to make me build 

mountains that started out as hills

and to convince me she’s all I’ll ever feel. 

She positions me to see the only way out of this 

is the ultimate way to quit. 

I used to drink to make her silent 

but truth be told she could never keep quiet. 

She builds this wall

and shows me a bottle of alcohol

When I tell her it’s not gonna happen

She proposing a new action

sometimes she’s blunt, sometimes abstracted. 

My mind torn into fractions

She divides and conquers 

feeds my monsters 

and gives me this offer 

That if I stay secluded

She’ll tie all my loose ends

If I stay in bed the pain will loosen

but she still makes me think foolish.

If I don’t stay in bed 

then she wants me to walk on an edge

She says the only way she’ll get outta my head

is if I’m dead…

and I so badly want that bitch outta my head!