Unraveled 

2014

My feelings for you lie between love, hate, and pity
and I no longer have it in me
to listen to you talk all pretty
the same night you drink and treat my mom shitty
To sleep with my phone on nine
ready to reach for one
because I no longer trust you with her life.
Everything you instilled in me has been undone.
Unraveled in your lust for liquor
in the anger you display.
I fear you but not the effects on your liver
because I’m at the point of
“Whatever makes you die quicker”
so that I don’t have to hear this anymore
you pounding on the door
stomping on the floor
Selfishly thinking others must endure
something you can’t control
and don’t even try to.
What do you do when your hero falls
and you don’t even care that mine’s was you
and you’ve fallen from the face of grace
The one man, who’s supposed to make me feel safe…
You’ve fallen from grace.

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Hooves And Feet

Dedicated to my Unni G. Last night I was suicidal and she wouldn’t stop texting and calling me until I answered and could prove I hadn’t followed through with my plans. She’s an advocate, a hero, and so much more. I love her so much. She’s saved me from myself a few times but last night was intense. We talked about the earth and universe. Being connected to it. She then challenged me to think of the weakest animal. I said “me” and she told me to open my mind a bit and really think about what she’s asking me. So I sarcastically said “the ants that are sucking up poison in my traps and bringing it back to their queen.” She laughed and told me to next think of the strongest animal I could think of. I’ve always loved buffaloes. They represent so much. I have one tatted on my forearm. So she told me to think about buffaloes for the night and she wanted me to write a poem about them and post it to her FB wall. So I did. Here it is.

Hooves on the ground
Calvary all around
Not a warrior to be found
Just as policy planned out.
No more sacrifice for the hungry and cold
Piles of skulls photographed as proof to be shown
the Indians and buffaloes
will die together from genocide on land not sold
but stolen by treaties broken leading D.C. to now control
the land privatized and now own.
Hand and hoof travel forever over land covered in blood and gold.
However the strength of both
came back around to show
their survivors and descendants will always find a way back
No matter the railroad tracks
that plague the way they can’t cover the sacred.
The hooves cannot be exterminated
by any single nation.
To this day the buffalo is proof that we too can make it.

Afterward: GG – I love you for the countless times you’ve been there for me and making me answer my phone last night. You always make sure I’m okay even if it’s been months since we spoke you shoot me random texts checking on me and post jokes on FB for me to see to laugh at. A few years ago I realized you actually have the same initials as my brother, Gabe Gonzales. I think he made sure you got into my life. Before he was the only one who could ever talk me off the ledge and would drop whatever he was doing to make sure I’m okay. Neither of you can ever be replaced. I’m just very lucky when it comes to double Gs in my life. 

I Miss You

Why without you can’t I make the right decisions?
I feel like I’m in this vulnerable position 

because you I’m missin’ 

A part me feels missin’

I lost the strength in me. 

They say this isn’t how you’d want me to be 

But as you see

This pitiful being is now me. 

My own parents said I’m weak. 

I cry so hard I lose speech. 

You know I used to always be able to speak. 

You pretty much instilled that aspect in me. 

Now look at me: my own parents called me weak.   

This is a nightmare I can’t wake up from. 

This is the outcome 

when someone you extremely loved 

is suddenly taken from you.   

Nothing I could ever dream of

is not having you to tell me what to do. 

Not having someone to catch me when I fall

and didn’t mind at all

Someone hard for others to get ahold of

but not me, you answered my calls.  

We had such a tight bond. 

You accepted I was a little off and odd

but you swore to God

I was your little sister.  

I put my handle on the Bible and called you my big brother.  

I’ve become so insecure 

and don’t reach out to others. 

No longer even my father and mother. 

They made it clear 

they don’t want to hear 

How I’m feeling here. 

Some days there’s a thickness in the air

and now no one seems to care

That I can’t breathe here. 

You said you always got me. 

I believed you. 

I’m waiting for you in the lobby. 

I need you. 

I’m such a lost cause. 

Two friends gave up 

I’m sure you saw. 

It wouldn’t hurt that much 

if you were to help me not be so lost. 

I’m so tired of crying. 

Burning people out. 

I keep thinking about dying. 

I just want out. 

I only believe in the Afterlife

No such thing as Hell

I’m such a burden that it’d be more of a sacrifice 

than putting others through this Hell. 

I miss you. 

When I got like this 

It’s like you professionally knew what to do. 

You remind me I was your baby sis

and you’d see me through.  

Here I am thinking this. 

I want to be able to be reunited with you

but every time I start to 

someone intervenes 

I just wish the cops and doctors would let me be.  

Sister Renegades

Sister Renegades
Life has its ups and downs 

and I know right now

you see mostly down 

but you’ll someday look around 

with a smile that you made it through 

I see so much potential in you and I wonder how can’t you? 

But I know it’s so much easier to see the bad view than look at the world that has its arms around you. 

You don’t need love to make you special – look deep in yourself and realize your real potential 

Right now I see you reaching out for help and the only thing I can say is love yourself 

It’s not as simple as it sounds 

You gotta do the work and not be afraid to reach out. 
Everything happens for a reason 

and you can instantly be deterred from your path  

but the thought of your hurt past can be overwhelming enough to set yourself back 

but you can get back on that path. 

I’ll always do all I can to help you stand 

and continue to walk your path even if I have to drag you by the hand. 

I know I’m not the only one with unconditional love for you

Who’s willing to guide you through

whatever you need to. 

Many can help but no one can stand in your way unless you choose to let them do so

but eventually the pain we gotta let go 

Move forward and continue 
The blood of fighters and survivors run through your veins 

We can’t let their love for their descendants go in vain 

You’re the Seventh Generation that they prayed would survive to this day.

To think of the strength they held onto for you, their love you can never 

lose. 

The admiration of your own descendants seven generations from now is what we fight for 

It’s what you fight for! 
You got to fight for yourself

Quit fighting yourself. 

You’re the only one seeing everything as hopeless 

But keep your head up, mind focus and eyes wide open. 

The universe will fall into place

Until then we face what the Creator puts in our way but this I pray you smile and laugh everyday. 

It’s how we endure and last. 

This here, sister, too shall past. 

Speaking With 김치

2007
Blankets and clothes

This woman I never had a chance to know 

but she wrapped my heart in her robe

and buried it in Seoul 

나의 할머니는 한국어이다. 
I pray in Korean

for no specific reason

I even try to follow the harvest season

but my mom hid my 김치 jar… 

maybe it was for the best 

because making 김치 is hard

and it tends to make me obsessed. 

김치는 나의 심 촌이다. 
I write random 한국말. 

I think my handwriting is pretty cool – pretty smooth 

but when it comes to having to speak it

I stutter like a fool. 

I have the vowels down

but to my tongue 

the consonants are still on a different continent 

and the pronunciation can’t be done. 

ㄱ, ㄲ, ㅋ, ㅅ, ㅆ, ㄷ, ㄸ, ㅌ, ㅂ, ㅃ, ㅍ, ㅊ, ㅈ, ㅎ, ㄴ, ㄹ

메, 메! 

나는 나 뿐 한국사림 이 다! ㅋ, ㅋ 
이것이 보초 기 입니다 – 

I tell my niece about her cheeks. 

사랑해요! 

I repeat 

여버시요

안영기시요, 

I’ll see you next week. 
My nephew laughs and grins

So I say it once again

뿌타 당신은아 주아룸답다. 

He barely talks

and still wobbles when he walks

but he nods his jarhead

and his lips read “사랑해요”
I lay in bed

repeating new sentence structures I’ve recently read. 

I think of the woman I never had a chance to know, 할머니. 

Tomorrow I’ll wrap my niece and nephew in her robe

and someday bring their hearts back to Seoul

then there I will speak the language

I did have a chance to know. 

MIWSAC: Unique Ikwe

2011
Unique Ikwe

Never shy away

From the audacity we must say

and not stray from the truth

If we are to teach our youth

That we cannot just turn away

Just Because standing up isn’t cool or the facts too cruel. Unite in the struggle is all we need to do. 

This is our community in need of help. 

MIWSAC leads the way for us to protect ourselves, take care of ourselves, educate ourselves, value ourselves & everybody else. 

Nicole, Cristine, & Guadalupe are each a breath of fresh air. 

Sincere in the words they share

With such passion in their actions

It seems a part of nature the courage they bear. 
Strong women laughing & joking. 

To be among them so exciting & mentally invoking. 

Powerful inspiration 

Advocacy for all Indian nations!

Wisdom in the system

Helping victims

So MIWSAC – who is them?

All of the above

and much more I couldn’t think of. 

One love unnis! 안니들

Coming From II

2011

My father’s land divided

A grandmother used in sexual slavery 

Beginning alocohlism & family violence

But a woman of great sacrifice & bravery

Who was made to be the sole provider

by the use of her body ordered by her family sent to Seoul 

with a broken soul 

to make money & send it back home. 

A father adopted at 12 

put through Hell 

until he could speak English good… Or well. 

The rest of his life misunderstood so throwing himself into work. 

Work 4 jobs drink away a lifetime of hurt 

so he doesn’t have to think of the pain caused by both his families. 

A Korean American tragedy. 

I come from a mother with no clue on her identity 

her dad becoming an enemy 

therefore is no friend to me though I long for some sort of grandfather-granddaughter memories. 

More stories of Napi & the Blackfeet 

but Native Grandpa don’t like Koreans even halfbreeds. 

I come from a mom tenacious at times audacious never took a vacation. 

I come from a childhood at the farmers markets. 

Only able to afford clarence K-mart never any jeans from Target. 

Eating ramen noodles on a daily

different flavors maybe. 

Embarrassed by how this look made me. 

Friends with nice clothes 

Fashionable 

Grandma’s wisdom inevitable 

“Child at least you got clothes. Food too is all you need to know”

I was Grandma’s girl. 

She was my world 

So what Grandma says GOES

but still the shame my shoes aren’t the same 

I don’t have an authentic jersey with anyone’s name. 

I think back – was I really that vain?

I guess in a way you can see it. 

As much as my dad didn’t seem it

He had to have the nice stereos and CDs. 

Impulsive purchases of TVs. 

Made fights between my mom and him easy. 

I stand back looking at the people I hail from. 

Sometimes wanting to say “ah hell no”

but despite the chronic fights 

we did have some fun

and everything was years ago. 

We’re doing all right

Despite all the generations and trauma we’ve come from.