What It’s Worth

2010

For what it’s worth: let me try to explain the dysfunction of my brain

To simplify I’m anything but sane and everyday feels like rain

I don’t know where it began

but some days I want to bring it to an end because I feel like I’m alone trying to stand though deep down I know I have a few great friends. 

I know I can cause a smile or be contagious. 

I’m sorry if one day I decide I can’t make it but I feel forsaken & like my soul was forced naked. 

Too many times my trust has been violated & I was betrayed when 

life was such sadness I couldn’t seem to shake it – it was so complicated. 

One person was so infatuated. 

I don’t know how I could ignore the signs but once my grandma died the self imposed friend left my side & made me blind trying to figure out why

How could someone I didn’t want to trust have gained my trust? 

Blindsided me so bad I nearly gave up

Make me hold on while they let go

Say sorry when I didn’t mean so

But it became emotional abuse when she brought up Gabe

Then threw him in my face to get her way. Say I disappointed the 1 who never let me down until he passed away even though I know it wasn’t his fault he was taken away

but I never felt such a heartbreak 

Like everything inside me was now broken & I lost memory of anything he had spoken. 

Suddenly he’s a nightmare. 

Closed my eyes & would see his awaken corpse right there. 

Don’t want to sleep because I’m scared. 

Don’t want to eat because I’m too worked up but when I got drunk I went numb & forgot how fucked up I really was. 

Not even taking shots just downing the vodka. So out of it I didn’t realize the drama. Did shit that sober up I wouldn’t wanna but I gotta be numb if I’m gonna wake up.  

Drank so much I never knew what a hangover was & if I suspected it there more shots of vodka – not a fan of beer. 

Scar so deep on my sternum 

So much heartbreak I drank so more just to hurt him. 

When I closed my eyes there he was telling me he’d never leave my side. Yet to let me down even though he lived in the other side where no one has to drink to numb the tears in their eyes. 

But for what it’s worth I do apologize. 

Now I sit cold outside & realize I’d have probably died or been institutionalized had Richard, Jenn, or Eden not let me push them away when I felt everyone should go away. 

Hurt people hurt people, I think that’s what they say. 

But the texts, emails & vents I appreciate because what would I do had there not been someone pushing me through?

So for what it’s worth I know at times I let my hurt spread so others hurt & all because I didn’t want to be hurt first or even worse

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