Vodka For the Trauma

Age 23
I got this eagerness mistaken for anxiety

Anxiety mistaken for eagerness. 

I know there’s this need to look inside of me

and pull out the leadership

that used to reside in my heart. 

That spunk people loved so much 

until I told myself it’s too dark

Cut off my own lights and gave up. 
I led myself there… 

I decided to use every excuse

I could find near 

be it death or substance abuse…

I had so many excuses to spare. 

Every time I found a match

I threw it to the bottom of the Bottle

Self destructed fast. 

Every feeling bottled and swallowed

with the help of the Bottle. 

Shook my head of my problems

but they sunk into my heart 

Replaced the spunk 

became so self-absorbed. 

I just gave up

Blocked out every word I heard. 

from people who cared wanting to pull me back up

but it’s like I wasn’t there

and despite their love

I didn’t want to get back up. 

Down another Bottle. 

Endless shots of vodka. 

So many pills I wanted to swallow 

to escape the trauma…

the trauma…

the trauma…

it’s got a firm grasp

on who I am. 

I need more vodka

to numb out feeling its hands. 

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