Written at age 17. Just found in my notebooks I kept back then.
When I was young
we hung out so much
Still it was my brother you always dreamed of.
He never liked sports but you coached his team every year.
I loved and signed up for sports every year
but you really didn’t care.
Never showed up to my games.
My love for sports you didn’t see as the same.
It was my brother you wanted to be like you.
So no matter what I would do
it wasn’t enough to interest you.
Still year after year I tried to get that same attention from you.
Despite it all though we always talked
Sure it always involved alcohol
but we talked.
I guess that made up
for me never feeling good enough
to get the same love
as that son you always dreamed of.
We talked about your childhood with Americans and Koreans.
I loved hearing the same stories for no reason.
When I got too old
It’s liked you walked out
You were still home
I still felt locked out
It broke my heart and wounded my soul.
I was no longer important to you
You now had grandchildren that you’d always choose
and I understood because they were precious gifts to me too.
The fact is I still needed you.
The money you spent on my school trips
I get… I truly get
because nobody lets me forget.
But I still needed my dad more than any trip.
I could forget any and every item.
That’s not the idea and not the love I was looking to find then.
Money means nothing in the end.
I wanted my father, once my best friend.