Written at age 17. Just found in my notebooks I kept back then. 

When I was young 

we hung out so much

Still it was my brother you always dreamed of. 

He never liked sports but you coached his team every year. 

I loved and signed up for sports every year 

but you really didn’t care. 

Never showed up to my games. 

My love for sports you didn’t see as the same. 

It was my brother you wanted to be like you. 

So no matter what I would do

it wasn’t enough to interest you. 

Still year after year I tried to get that same attention from you. 

Despite it all though we always talked 

Sure it always involved alcohol 

but we talked. 

I guess that made up

for me never feeling good enough

to get the same love

as that son you always dreamed of. 

We talked about your childhood with Americans and Koreans. 

I loved hearing the same stories for no reason. 

When I got too old

It’s liked you walked out

You were still home

I still felt locked out

It broke my heart and wounded my soul. 

I was no longer important to you

You now had grandchildren that you’d always choose

and I understood because they were precious gifts to me too. 

The fact is I still needed you. 

The money you spent on my school trips

I get… I truly get

because nobody lets me forget. 

But I still needed my dad more than any trip. 

I could forget any and every item. 

That’s not the idea and not the love I was looking to find then. 

Money means nothing in the end. 

I wanted my father, once my best friend. 


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