The Meal and the Check

Dedicated to Carrie Fisher who showed me by example that life with Bipolar isn’t the end to life.  

The stigma kept me quiet
In denial with the demons inside me

all they say is insanity and violence

Living embarrassed and ashamed silently. 

Fighting the pain with alcohol 

swallowing it down with pills 

So many days I still can’t recall 

Playing with Seroquel 
In vulnerable positions

Depression in control of me

Mania making dangerous decisions

Anxiety ahold of me. 
Questioning the diagnosis. 

Broke down and suddenly honest with my therapist.  

Deep down having known this

so many years with the demons I never wanted to hear of it. 
I was overwhelmed and confused 

Borderline with self pity

Manic then stuck in bed subdued 

I didn’t have the will and fight in me
Believing the Bipolar means I’m crazy

Believing the stigma put forth by society

Numb as they said they’d always medicate me

No matter the pills I couldn’t escape the depression, mania, and anxiety. 
Heard the same thing hurt Robin Williams. 

I kept wondering if that’s eventually gonna be me

because I believed these demons are what killed him. 
A light came on though –

an icon wouldn’t let Bipolar bring her down. 

Truly honest, unafraid, happy, and so bold. 

She stood on solid ground. 
Dear Carrie Fisher

death can’t take away your legacy

you’ll forever be

more than “Star Wars” – your voice still is heard. 
Your head on collision with Bipolar

and demonstrating to “bring it on”

showed me my life wasn’t over 

In this I can become strong. 
Until you all that I had seen

was others succumb to it

but you made it seem

that I could do this. 
Yes, I still kept quiet

but watched you be a voice for me

It made me proud in silent 

I can’t admire you any more than now for sharing your story. 
In any and every interview you were honest. 

You led by example and truth 

Yea you got this

but it didn’t stop you from being you. 
Once articulating the ups and downs are like

“one is the meal the other a check”

Your beautiful insight 

“There’s no room for demons when your self possessed”
Thank you Carrie for your fight. 

Thank you your charisma 

Thank you for getting me to look inside 

and now head on face the Bipolar and stigma. 
No longer living in shame. 

I’m gonna be open and honest –

My resolution in your name

because even at the very end you showed me I got this. 


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