Reality and Lies

Reality and Lies

I don’t know if my life is one big lie or too much reality.
I swear I can hear what my therapist is telling me
But I can’t comprehend how I’m supposed to do the work when I don’t know how this works
I’m not one to dwell on how much the past hurts
Let alone bring up things I repressed so much that they’re bad dreams.
My chest tightens and the air’s thick
It’s not what it seems.
Put it back to what it used to be
where usually the memory didn’t affect me this much.
I need an inhaler – it hurts that much.
I’m embarrassed and a failure
I’ve given it up
It’s out there. It’s out there.
I don’t know which is most of a nightmare
The memory or being here
Tensed on a couch
Getting it all out.
The betrayal, goes beyond losing either Gabriel
I got to talk about this
– she says so
and I know if I’m in a different position
The message I’m given is the same I would’ve given
but now I’m in this position
tensed breathing thick air.
It’s a lie nothing more than a mere nightmare.

It’s a lot I would’ve forgot
if it wasn’t for my nightmares
It’s like I’m being mocked
until I face what’s right there.
But it’s the past. It’s the past.
This is reality, even right now didn’t last.
I’ve spent 26 years convincing myself it was a dream
I had to make it a lie
so it wouldn’t seem… as… it seems…
Reality is a dream
My lies are the truth
26 years of lying to reality only to look in the mirror and tell the truth
I’m telling her truth
It’s coming out: reality is aligning with truth somehow
Lies and repression die out…
My life can’t be a lie when I’ve faced too much reality
I swear I can hear what she’s telling me.
I’m thinking and doing the work
Talking so reality can’t hurt

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