Wonderin’

Everyday I torture myself wonderin
how anyone could do my brother in
It seems like all this mental strugglin’
will never end
with very little comfortin’
though many have tried to provide it.
I subconsciously won’t let them in
because this self-torture has me blinded.
The space my soul’s occupyin’
is disconnected from where my mind is
and I wallow & accepted; I stopped mindin’
Still the pain grows & tears have been known to suddenly explode from my eyes & stroll down my cheeks.
Paralyzed unable to speak
I’m the shell of me not even half of who I used to be.
Back when I could usually
bounce back
Emotions – I didn’t play into that
Swallowed it up and bottled it down fast
If I can just travel to the past
and take notes of how I coped
maybe then I can remember to cry or laugh
Let out like they said
but I can’t deal with my brother being dead
I can’t deal with the harsh pain in my heart and head.

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