I just… I just… I just want to move pass this
it’s a trip how one day I feel so blessed then the next the baddest
I take a look at my actions
Asking myself in letters “wtf happened?”
I thought I was moving on.
I thought I got strong.
I thought all the days of grief would be gone
but my thoughts were wrong.
It was the medicine that took out the negative.
Now I’m withdrawing from them
face to face with my problem.
Seven years later
tears still fall on my notebook paper
Seven years later I still can’t believe.
I can’t get over his death
thinking it should’ve been me
or that I should’ve been next.
I never thought I’d live this long
I never thought one day he’d be gone
My selfishness makes it so hard to move on
He’s at peace and I’m not
I’m so scared that I forgot
the sound of his laughter
all the advice Gabe gave me
Lost faith in the here after
breaking down all the time; I’m just crazy
The docs keep telling me I’ll be fine
but I’m stuck wishing I could rewind
get his reassurance and one last bear hug.
Somedays I just want to give up
Somedays I can get up
thinking this isn’t what he’d want
I feel like everyday is a front
especially when I laugh or smile
because deep down I’ve felt dead for awhile.
I’m haunted with constant nightmares
So many I see his face right there
The next day feel so anxious and scared
Why can’t he be here?
Seven years later
I talk to him more than the Creator
I’m still filled with so much anger
So much injustice so I can’t talk to the Creator
They say everything happens for a reason
What’s supposed to be will be
I just can’t believe it
The way this is – I can’t believe.
It feels all wrong
It feels so wrong
How the hell am I to move on
when it’s all wrong?
It’d be better maybe if he went peacefully
but he didn’t
how it is that supposed to be?
How can Andy get away with lying?
How can someone who didn’t intentionally kill
watch a man dying?
It’s impossible not to be filled
with anger and hate
I can’t forgive the bastard
especially putting his body in a lake
leaving the state right after
How can he not feel remorse?
How can justice not be enforced?
My spirit is torn
My spirit is torn
My spirit is torn.
My family stopped with the omissions and lies
finally told me Gabe died
knowing a month before
but I guess they too were torn
Knowing I needed Gabe so much more
than I ever did before
I was scared to death they were opening my heart
I guess they knew once told I’d get so dark and I wouldn’t let go.
I called everyday
after the surgery was decided
I also wanted him there when I graduate
because I felt so much he was behind it.
September 2000 my cards were harsh
My days so dark
I wasn’t living anymore
until Gabe came in the door
and got me to open up
got me in touch with my spirit again
after so long I’d given up
and lost friend after friend.
I’d get so down then he’d be around
and just listen to me
talk about my misery.
About how I was sick of being sick
So tired of medical bullshit
and how I’d forget
my life before it.
It meant everything to see him come to my school
listen closely to my poems
truly sincerely Gabe I loved you
I no longer felt alone
and when I did he could tell
“Krystal what’s up? Little sister I got you…”
“Dude, my life is hell… tired of not being in school”
and he just knew what to say
what could make me laugh so hard
“Little sister renegade”
I felt a change in my cards.
When I was dealing with racists
his advice got me through to face it
Telling me to be proud of who I am
not give a damn
what they say about my races
Fuck all of them
it’s their problem
“Krystal you’ll be fine.”
When I got choked and jumped by 15 for being mixed
put in a squad car for dishing back hits
he was “of course” the first I called
Reassured I was fighting for my rights – hell fighting for my life
the bitch tried to choke me after all
“Ha little sister renegade”
Wrote “No Coordination”
and suddenly it hit how important he was
and I showed him page after page
He just smiled and gave me his famous bear hug.
I tell myself at least he knew he was my Guardian Angel even back then
For the longest time my only friend.
Time is supposed to heal this
but the pain hasn’t gone away
I’d give anything to no longer feel this
and I know he wouldn’t want me this way
it’s so hard to think logically
even though I know he’s in the Spirit World watching me.