Black Outs II

Black Outs

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to
I see back and review
I didn’t mean to.

Sigh and relief
Thought I’d die at 18
but March 2005
Never felt more alive
and in utter disbelief
I might make it to one nine
Cleared of an operation…
Didn’t need it…
All I have to do now was my graduation
Call Gabe for that very reason
Phone disconnected
whatever
He always calls his little sister back…
He’ll call back, whatever.
Home one day and pulled aside
I swear, Minnesota perfect weather outside
Huh, the look in mom’s eyes
I thought someone had just died
No, they made a mistake
I gotta have my chest cracked
just gotta pick a date
For 5 weeks try to relax

But for weeks…

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to
I see back and review
I didn’t mean to.

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to

Drive through Detroit
later hand over our passport
Was fun to a point
but stop, now fast forward
I’m in the back of the van
Shorty Pain isn’t just a rap name
I’m in pain and this fucking man
– a teacher at that
doesn’t understand
I’m in pain instead uses blame and shame
Yelling at me I’m all right
I’m telling him I gotta go to the ER
Ended up calling him a coward and bitch deep inside
That’s all I’d see in him so far
but whatever it is
No matter how many times we call my mom
and his boss
he’s yelling I’m going to sleep
I’m a pill popper and just fine
and all I can do is call him a bitch who’d cry if we exchanged lives
– he’s weak. The bastard’s weak.
Black out – didn’t mean to
Wake up in a hospital room
and to messed up news –
Despite plans made before here
I’m going home
and I knew it was that man
who made the decision on his own
Black out – so I seemed to
Deranged Grey Hound bus ride
There’s a few serial killers inside
at least that’s what the old man who was behind
my seat seemed to be
Go back to the thought –
I’d never live to be 18
Just drained… mistreated
drained – so be it
Try calling Gabe for that specific reason

Meanwhile…

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to
I see back and review
I didn’t mean to.

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to

Minnesota perfect day
Back from school in my room
immediately try to
Call Gabe.
I’m at peace –
This surgery is happening to me
So let it be
it’s exactly in one week
Kept calling
It’s been over 2 months
and I’m still calling
but I’m not gonna give up
He needs to be there
for both occasions –
The graduation and operation –
He has to be in the front chairs… Suddenly called upstairs.
Wish I had blacked out
“Gabe is gone… he’s dead”
Shown Newspaper clips that I can still say verbatim
They’re so deeply stuck in my head
How could anybody take him?
How does he let someone take him?
Head dizzy and chest tight
My emotions paralyzed
I’m dreaming… I’m dreaming
I’m on edge holding an empty liquor bottle
Hoping the day will change back to tomorrow…
but damn the liquor bottle.

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to
I see back and review
I didn’t mean to.

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to

I don’t remember waking up
Only knew that the previous day I was drunk
Walking on Mcalester’s campus telling Gabe I’ve had enough
In a couple hours I’ll give a speech
I spent writing for weeks:
“Life is a moment in space, when the dream is gone it’s a lonelier place”
He’s supposed to be in the front seats
but supposedly now he’s in a better place
and I’m stuck here bottoming down.
I’m looking at the crowd
Yea, I’m proud
I made it through school but my brother’s not in the crowd
Instead I have to shout him out.
Quoted 2Pac and Barbra
but only thinking about Karma
and that the worst happens to the scums,
Not only his murderers but those writing his body was “dumped.”
reading his physical form was no better than “stuff”
Could read my speech as if it will cheer me up
but it won’t.
Sat down feeling someone was grabbing my throat
smiled for other folks
despite being choked.
Graduated feeling no hope

So…

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to
I see back and review
I didn’t mean to.

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to

Tupac’s birthday:
exactly a week before
told my brother isn’t here anymore.
Tried to sleep on the floor
hoping to spend final time with my rabbit
in a few hours it’ll happen
They’ll open up my heart
but I think they’ll now work on a broken heart.
I washed my body twice
with the medical soap.
I must’ve listened because I don’t remember the ride
but I remember the lumps in my throat.
Don’t remember being put under

‘Cause…
I blacked out
and didn’t mean to
I see back and review
I didn’t mean to.

I blacked out
and didn’t mean to
I didn’t mean to.

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