Talking to the Earth

Mother Earth bring me good news
There’s not a single outlet I’ve used that hasn’t blown a fuse
I’m so confused
Creator I don’t even know what I should pray to you
I’ve accepted I’m hopeless
I lost my focus
When you blinded sided me with a surgery and death
I was alive when I shouldn’t have been the one left
I struggled friendless because every muthafucker left
Those who would’ve stayed I had no patience left
I wanted solitude
I tried so hard to follow you
But I was left with a hollow view
I was left with a hollow view
What do you want me to do?

I’d gladly take the pain so others won’t
I feel like I can be down but at least they have hope.
I can’t lie I miss the vodka shots and diet coke
but I won’t relapse
I just gotta try to relax
and see that
there’s messages all abound
I just need to look around
Listen to all the sounds
Put the iPod down

Listen to the crickets
Skip over the bridges
Be like the owl – stern never fidget

But I say these words
and they sound good
Yes these things I learn
Walking in the woods
But the moment I’m back to being conscious
I lose my conscience
I thought I fought this
when I decided to go militant
The realest pen the brilliant kid
Just lil’ sista renegade type brilliances
I challenged every racist
Face to face
Muthafuckers I made it
Despite oppressing my race
My races
They couldn’t keep pace.

I got the last laugh
I got the last laugh
But I’m back here and I can’t keep my words sincere
I’m anxious but have no fears
I’m depressed but put down the beers

When is it supposed to get better
I tattoo my wrist so I can’t slit
My tattoos are better
than I see my life
It’s funny what keeps me alive
Why I put down the knife
It’s funny what keeps me alive
Rabbits,
2/22/11
I fought an addict
I thought, you Creator, would give me direction
But I’m living for rabbits
How I smile when their ears flop
Cleaning their cage how they hop
This isn’t what I thought
was planned for me
and I’m sorry
that I’m pitying myself
but I’m also kidding myself
I feel so shitty about myself
Creator – I know I need help
I’m going back and forth reaching out
I walk back and forth – put me down
Creator, how can I be like the owl
Stern and wise, expecting the element of surprise
Look deep into the eyes
There’s a message to should find

I was that messenger before
Fucking hardcore
But I can’t even reach back what I fought for
I’m trapped
and everyday my fight is to not relapse
Self care, I gotta relax
Read about my former passions
Close my eyes and imagine
I’m on the front lines
Getting into trouble of all kinds
but my passion is alive
It burns in my skin and deep in my eyes.
I belong on the front lines

I open my eyes and see rabbits
Coffee addict alcoholic addict
Moments I gotta have it
but I can’t go back
but look at where I’m at
Depressed, feeling oppressed
I should fight for the oppressed
But I’m anxious and stressed
A fucking hot mess

So what do I pray for?
What do I pray for?
What am I living for
They opened my heart – it’ll never be like before
Gabe broke my heart – no matter how much I cry it’ll never be like before
Sista militant, brilliant kid, spitting the realest shit, a killer pen
Fighting for the oppressed
but I’m a hot mess
since I got nothing left
There’s nothing good about me
I can be told a thousand things about me
but no one can convince me
this is how it’s supposed to be

Who let me down?
Who do I forgive?
I need to pray somehow
but I don’t know why I continue to live
Truly I have nothing to offer
So, Creator, look at me

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