Hell of a Week

Haha

Laughing because it was a hell of a week
inside crying because it was a hellish week.

“now as the pain loosens I find myself in confusion because I never so deeply wanted to kill another human”

Wrote and wrote it again.
I just lost my best friend
fuck it, my kin
at least that’s what he said
way back when…
Kept feeling that bear hug
I’d never get again
That reassurance that I’d always have him
when I didn’t have a single friend.
Every friend that was his
was mine, or so he said
Didn’t matter if it was an exaggeration or lie
It built my self esteem
and whatever the fuck he saw in me
I’ll never know.

Read and read it.
Couldn’t read it.
Just looked, couldn’t edit
no specific reason
I couldn’t make it right
just looked at the words
as if I could no longer write
Everything came out by force
I wanna mourn…
but even that felt forced
Couldn’t feel a fucking thing inside
Just his fucking lie
“I always got you”
Paused… and felt a bigger “fuck you if you do!”
Like dying was his choice
Angry I could still hear his laugh
and his fucking voice

Five days later my graduation
Shout out in my speech
but fuck him I got the operation
this week.
Not week – 2 days
but I gotta be here today
Walked around the campus with nothing more to say
than “Dammit Gabe.”
Today we were supposed to celebrate
but that fucker took it away.

2 days turns in today
I’m a blank space
Foggy outta place
Outta time and outta sync
I didn’t have much to say or think
They just rolled me into the operating room
My last thought was wondering if Heaven has room
Woke up with tubes
all over my body.
This week is all over.
He said that he “got me”
but where was he when the week was all over?

Laughing because it was a hell of a week
inside crying because it was a hellish week.

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