Once in a Blue Moon

It’s odd how it coincides
how I once found that need to get drunk
in order to get numb
compares nothing to getting a natural high
from being alive.
All the nights I’d pace to give up
Next day still awake but couldn’t get up
Slam down a few bottles to feel nothing but numb
eating at my very core
because I felt I had enough
until a ton of bricks hit me and I couldn’t take much more
I had to get tough…
Do what I can to run from the loss, depression, doubled crossed
reexamine the message and pose my questions
only to discover the answers were deep in my essence…

Too consumed to gaze at the last Blue Moon.
Sit with myself staring at ideation across the room.
Needing air but couldn’t move
Couldn’t get past myself
hesitant and paranoid to ask for help
look to everybody else
wondering how I fucked my mind up so bad
that I couldn’t leave the past behind
Couldn’t even sit and write
trapped in my head trying to decide
where do I go from here
when everything I once had prepared
is now irrelevant
and I’m terrified of my own skeleton.
Shell of a person who walks around so tense and nervous
blurting out “what the fuck is my purpose?”
Shaking my head knowing I still don’t understand what hurt is
but I know being broken and bottomless sadness
going from bad straight to baddest
looking in the mirror like “what the fuck happened?”

It didn’t make sense
but I still can’t make sense of it all.
Nervous now to make a call
because what if it happens again?
What if I lose another friend,
another relative of my heart
I can’t do it again
so I don’t call
and shock can’t find me lurking in the dark.

Once in a Blue Moon
I might remove my stubbornness
and make prosperous decisions
Resolved that now is the time I sit down and listen
Learn and not take criticism as justification to give in
Take advice as people do care and notice I’m there
and sincerely sincere that I’m putting to use my ears.
Lowering my voice
Taking responsibility for my choice
Deep breath and understanding when I get annoyed
or to a breaking point…

 

They say I’m torturing myself in your name
but it was my choice to let you be my pain…
Yea, my life hasn’t been the same
since you were taken away
but I made the commitment that I’m going to stay
living life happily day by day…
Once in a Blue Moon
I can make a decision for me not in the name of you
So once in a Blue Moon
I look to the skies take a deep sigh
feel the natural high
from being alive
holding sincerely onto my memories
like it’s my personal treasury
Through your guidance finding a better me
like I’m still probing your insightful from feeling the Now
Not just illusion memories

Once in a Blue Moon
Once in a Blue Moon

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