New Medicine

Found this year & half later since writing. Interested me how horribly depressed I was. Guess I have come a bit of a ways. 

New Medicine

What would my ancestors say if I said this iPod is my medicine?
Word by word songs relating to the negative I’ve felt as I lie awake depressed again praying that my mind can break from obsessing over the death of a relative. 

Intrinsic sadness. 
Spiraling into badder to baddest to “what the fuck happened?” 
Occuppied choking on tears trying to imagine not a single person cares. 
Foolery, because so many have attempted to be there.
But it doesn’t matter because what the mind wants to appear is going to appear. 

I’d rather pace back & forth hoping I just colapse to the floor but my thoughts outsource me once more: 
With all the sickness in society
It’s so selfish to pop pills for anxiety
The way my brother died violently…
I gotta take pills for my anxiety 
The way Andy got scolded quietly
I gotta take these pills for fucking anxiety. 
All the death & murders in society
It’s so weak I take pills for anxiety.

Instant message the only friend I need on my iPod. Together laugh at God, because our whole lives we’ve felt dog but still manage by a thread to hold on to faith but we still laugh hoping it’s in His face. 
Another insomniac night I don’t even put up a fight; just get up to pace. 

It’s too simple & cliche to say my world’s fallen apart
when it’s my mind that’s turn out the lights to sit in the dark 
while outside my soul bitch slaps my heart
It explains the chest scar…

I tried burning sage around my bed,
smell sweet grass before I lay down my head.
Inhale the new air but it doesnt change the thousands thoughts pacing in my head. 
Put cedar in my pocket, it failed so I put my iPod in instead.

Daze out 
Haven’t slept in days to weeks
Not that I expect anyone to believe
The extremity of my deprivation of sleep
The extremity of how I can’t eat or keep down what I force myself to eat
Get behind the wheel iPod plug into the radio as Gabe & me speak. 
Laughing because he did this to me. 
Andy killed him but Gabe’s the one I got close to… 
“Absolutely fucking love you
but all this shit I’m trying to go through
is because I got so close to you.” 

Turn my iPod & radio volume up
I don’t wanna talk anymore I’ve had enough
I did what therapist said & now feel sicker in my gut
It’s been a conversation I’ve spent 5 years not trying to touch…

Turn the iPod & radio volume up to drown out my thoughts
This mania needs to stop
I’m on edge ready to fall off if not caught. 

My delirium – that’s what I seem to be fighting more than I think. 
Get home try to sustain from a drink 
Try to sustain from a drink
Try to sustain from all the things I constantly think
Try to sustain from a drink.
Try to sustain from a drink. 

So I pull out my iPod to “tweet”
Once it dulls I lay down laughing that I think I’ll magically fall asleep
iPod on looking for a soft score – a beat
Sweet words for any artist to sing or speak but nothing is good enough to put my mind at ease. 
Lie awake, “so I lay awake,” singing along with the song
It’s funny, he sings about love I sing about all the thoughts going on. 
“You don’t see me anymore”
Get up to pace back & forth until four
Press my back against the wall
Sick in my stomach & exhausted. Contemplating how I lost it
Pull the iPod from my pocket
When I’m numb is when I’m most honest. 
Laugh – I’ve been here before
I’ve fucking been here before. 
“So I lie awake” just a bit more
then crawl up from the floor, back to pacing back & forth

Try to skip a dose see where it goes
but if I’m not pacing I’m fucking going cut-throat. Cursing every other word because I don’t have the fucking words to cope… No don’t have the fucking patience to write out a poem… No, shit I just don’t know, every fucking word just has to be fuck! Get so violent so no one can see how numb I’ve become. 

Listen to the song dedicated to my oppa & unni, but I’ll never let them hear because I’m paranoid that I love them but they don’t love me. 
Try to read into my eyes as I stare at the ceiling. 
Unni – can you ever say you had such a twisted feeling to wish for another’s agonizing killing? 
I don’t think so… 
I’m just possessed with this contagious soul that a killer’s illness passed into my own. 

I’d just rather feel numb. 
Turn this iPod on & get drunk. 
Call back only to bitch about my life being a runt, not the pick of the litter. 
Wake up knowing my deceased & Napi have cast me as a sinner. 
Walk to church with sermons of Jesus & Mother Earth the life giver
but i ignore the Gospel for the gossip 

Maybe it’s a cop out or completely dumb but all I feel anymore is an empty depression
that has kept me up all night obsessin’
over a death that’s builds internal opression
Cracker took my brother & serves a slap on the wrist
I never thought I’d be angry enough to wish death on someone or pain on his innocent kid. 
But my thoughts pace that he took Rosemary’s innocent kid… 
No I don’t regret what I wish. 

What would my ancestors say if I said this iPod is my medicine?
Word by word songs relating to the negative I’ve felt as I lie awake depressed again praying that my mind can break from obsessing over the death of a relative. 

Intrinsic sadness. 
Spiraling into badder to baddest to “what the fuck happened?”

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