Bottling up and bottoming down
Trying to get my emotions under control somehow
but somehow I never really found
No capacity in my mind to control myself
Trying so hard to reach out for help
but I swear I can only find my solutions somewhere else.
I’m ashamed to constantly reach out.
My behavior hasn’t changed
Still sounding like a fall down drunk
I clench tightly onto pain
If I don’t I can’t get up
The pain keeps me alive
I know I gotta let it go
It’s embedded deep in my mind
Burning in my soul
Behaving again like a violent drunk.
Freaking out running my mouth
Knowing I need to tell myself to shut the FUCK up.
Been to the bottom of every bottle
Thinking the solutions to my problems and sorrow
will be emptied out with enough shots.
Walking to Cedar Avenue
asking the liquor store clerk to give me what he’s got
back at home with a volatile attitude
Don’t knock on my dorm’s door
I need to numb these emotions
because I’m a hostage to my past and I don’t wanna be anymore
Deep in my heart there’s devotion
I wanna make others laugh
But I drink away my life
A prisoner of my past
I’m my own sacrifice
But I just laugh… I just laugh… shit’s just funny to me.
Shit is bad… real bad…
But my heart is four hundred degrees
All I feel sober is being fucking mad.
Yea, I’ve been to the bottom of every bottle
Trying to solve my problems and deal with my sorrow.
Two years later still can’t control my mouth
If I want it I obsess until I get it
If I don’t I feel my time here is running out
I’m tripping from my own admission
Yea, I get it, I really do.
I need better ways to process what I’m feeling
I kinda wanna be like you
but I don’t believe you’ll ever be able to GET what I’m feeling.
I need self control
Two years I’ve been saying hell no
but there’s so much I need to grow
but I guess I want y’all to know –
I’m trying. I’m trying.
Head down don’t bother me if I’m crying
I don’t want to unload on anyone not paid to listen
I’m paranoid of pushing people over the edge
and I already did it
If I could’ve just handled my emotions instead…
Trying hard to not bottle up but I’m bottoming down.
Still behaving like a drunk
but sober two years now.